The Blood of Amietta

XXIV. Captured

I've only had sex twice in my life before Noelani. Once with a stranger from a bar– an experience I'll never repeat– and once with a girl named Sara. Both encounters were heartbreaking in their own way. The one night stand was awkward and uncomfortable, but I learned a valuable lesson– I was not made to have sex with complete strangers.

Sara was different. We were friends. She was kind and gentle and an overall beautiful person. Our time together was sweet, but it wasn't exciting. It was nothing like what I experienced last night. Still, a part of me has always wondered if I could have fallen in love with Sara.

I think she loved me.

I left her one night without an explanation, or even a note. It was a shitty thing to do, but I was nearing my twentieth birthday and I still hadn't figured out how I was going to avoid my Civic Duty. I needed to find the hitchstone. I needed to go home. My options were staying with Sara or finding my family. Of course I had to leave her.

But what about Noelani?

Our night together...I didn't know that sex could feel like that. I've always assumed that people were just exaggerating their sexual experiences. So what made it different? The only thing I can think of is that I like her. No, that's not it. I have feelings for her– deep emotional ones that I've never had for anyone else. I can't keep pretending that I don't care for Noelani.

Is that the secret to sex? I have to feel a connection to the other person– is this what I've been missing this whole time?

I glance at Noelani's silhouette. She sits on top of her horse, perfectly at ease on the dusty forest path. We've been riding for two days already and we've barely spoken a word.

"Noelani," I call out.

She turns to look at me, slowing her horse until we ride side-by-side. I know what I want to say– I want to ask her how she feels. I want to know if she sees any future for us together. The words race to the tip of my tongue, but I stumble a little as they seem to stick there like glue.

Coward.

"What will happen once you're on the throne?" I ask instead.

If Noelani notices my hesitation, she doesn't show it. "I plan to reverse as much of my mother's damage as I can," she says simply. "I want Nirasians to be free to live the lives they wish to live."

I nod. "What about you? Will you ever marry? Start a family?"

What about us?

She studies me for a long time, her eyes washing over mine with trepidation.

"I won't have kids," she tells me. "The Desai line ends with me. Cormak already agreed to waive his right to the throne, and his children's– if he has them."

I frown as her gaze leaves mine.

"What about what you want?" I protest.

Noelani shakes her head. "I don't want kids," she says softly.

The way she says it breaks my heart– of course she doesn't want kids. Her entire childhood was traumatizing. She would never put someone through the same hell she endured.

"I understand," I tell her honestly. "But you don't need kids to have a family. You don't see yourself falling in love? Getting married?"

Noelani's eyes turn sympathetic. "Mila..."

"I'm not trying to make this about us," I say quickly. "Seriously," I babble once I realize that she doesn't believe me one bit. "I mean, maybe I was at first, but now I'm genuinely curious."