The Tears Of A Clown

Chapter Twentysix

Jelena was anxiously biting down on her lower lip, her mouth suddenly felt very dry as she watched Maria get up and go over to the door to open it, she heard her speaking to George, telling him it was ok for him to come in.

Then Maria turned to give her an reassuring smile as she stepped out into the corridor, leaving the door open a little. A moment later George tentatively appeared in the doorway,

His dark eyes catching sight of her as he stepped into the room, he then the door behind him

Jelena’s heart was in her mouth as he slowly approached the bed.

He looked like hell, and it was all her fault! The concern and uncertainty in his dark eyes was more than she could bear

“Oh George!” were the only words she could get out, before she felt herself go to pieces, her face crumpling as the tears welled up in her eyes

His response was swift, she felt his arms going around her cradling her against him trying to comfort her, “It’s alright Jay, shh! Please don‘t upset yourself like this.. Its going to be ok”

She shook her head, “No it isn’t, … you don’t understand,” she sobbed pulling away from him a little, “I killed our baby!”

George stared at her for a moment, horrified she was thinking this way, then he shook his head, “No, you mustn’t think like that,” he told her

“But its true!” she insisted “I was so scared…all I could think about was what would happen, and how I would be unable to continue on the trapeze if I was pregnant… all my plans I had made… my life would be ruined. I refused to accept it. I didn’t want to believe it could happen to me.. And I didn’t want to feel like I was trapping you into staying with me because of it.. And I thought that you still wanted to be with Estelle. So I acted as if I wasn’t happening” she sobbed

I think it knew I didn’t want it That I would despise and resent it.. that’s why I lost it” she finished brokenly

“Oh Jay,” George exclaimed in dismay, holding her tightly again against him, “It was just a terrible accident, it was not your fault, You were just scared,” he told her, “You mustn’t blame yourself like this”

“But I do,” Jelena replied bitterly, “how can I not? and you should hate me for it.. It’s no more than I deserve”

“No,” George shook his head, “I am not going to hate you. Not now, not ever.. I care about you Jay, and I know you are upset and not thinking straight at the moment, but we will get through this together.. Do you hear me?” he stated fiercely, kissing her forehead, “It’s going to be alright”

Filled with guilt and remorse Jelena didn’t feel she deserved such comfort and understanding from him. How could he forgive her when she was having trouble forgiving herself?

Which was why she stared up at him in teary confusion, not understanding why he wasn’t angry with her

He continued to look down at her his dark eyes filled with certain anxiety, his hand stroking her tousled hair from her damp cheeks, “Promise me you won’t go away Jay, I couldn’t bear it if I lost you,” he confessed his voice unsteady with emotion, and all she could stare up at him, amazed and not quite believing that he still wanted to be with her

“B-But why?” she asked in a small bewildered tone

“Because I love you, and I can’t live without you, don’t you understand that?” He replied, looking like he might cry any moment himself, “The worse thing that could ever happen to me is losing you”” he admitted tightly, and was hugging her to him again, “Just promise me, no matter what happens you won’t leave me”