The Funeral Style

Chapter Four

yeah okay i guess i'm cool with it

Chapter Four

"Ta-da!" I was presented a large bouquet of flowers, and some fake-diamond earrings. I wasn't really sure why they were in the pile of cliche funeral gifts, but I didn't complain. Not to mention a tub of all my favorite chocolates. My friend, Maggie, held each item as if it would make me feel better, though in all honesty, seeing her stupid face made me happy enough.

"You didn't have to get me any of this stuff." I said, really implying the 'didn't-have-to-get' on the earrings.

Maggie smiled, showing her very imperfect teeth.

That was the thing about Maggie, she was psychically unattractive. Nobody would talk to her at school, and she was the entertainment for all the bullies, only because she was absolutely the definition of ugly in our humane minds. She was incredibly overweight, (yes, she was a stress-eater) her teeth were imperfect, she even had one tooth missing because her father was drunk one night and threw a glass beer bottle at her face. She had one lazy eye, and as young as she was, she did have grey hair growing in, I always wondered how that was possible considering her age, but researching it one night I had read it was because of stress and bad dieting. Her acne was worse than a person's who had rubbed pizza grease all over their face, and not to mention her lips looked as if they had been blown up like a balloon.

She knew she wasn't pretty, and she knew I would never say she was pretty on the outside, because the last thing I wanted to do was lie to her. I wasn't going to give her false hope that someone was going to be attracted to her looks. I've always told her, as long as she was a good person on the inside, her worth as a person had to still be valuable, and because of my honesty, she loved to hang around me.

All her life, she was told by her 'friends' that she was beautiful and that people who said otherwise were just A-holes who needed to check their eye-sight. She, and myself, had always found it worse for people to actually feel like they had to lie about her looks to make her feel better. "Just be honest." She always told me, and in return, I always had.

"It's all lovely." I smiled as I took the gifts from her chubby fingers and set them all on my bed. "You're such a sweet-heart." I said, making her grin.

"You know it. All this-" She pointed to her body, "Is all yours for the night. But please, be gentle." She may be quite an eye-full, but she knew how to flaunt herself. If she was pretty, she'd be the biggest whore on the planet. She'd agree with me if I told her that.

I laughed, "I'd rather bang a toilet, but nice confidence." I gave her a satisfied thumbs up.

She just shrugged and sat beside me on my bed, "At least I'm better at sex than a toilet, so that has to count for something."

"You're a virgin you virgin-slut."

"I'm no virgin in my head."

"Hence the name 'Virgin-Slut', and what have I told you about trying to be pretty on the inside?"

"I can't help it." She faked a whine, "Life is hard being ugly."

I shook my head, and rested it on her shoulder. Her blunt personality always made me feel better when I was going through a tough time. Many breakups were dealt with in this same way, me, leaning on her, and stuffing my face with chocolate.

We sat there in silence, and I contemplated on what to do next.

"I didn't get to say goodbye." I told her as I sighed.

"Why not?"

"Mr. Parity."

"Who?"

I mentally slapped myself, obviously she didn't know who he was. "The creepy guy who owns the cemetery. He wouldn't leave me alone."

"That's not right. I mean, that place is too expensive to not be satisfied."

"It was almost as if he didn't want to leave me alone. All day long."

"So then what are you going to do about it?"

"I don't know. Nothing, I guess."

"You can go back."

"What?"

"Put flowers on the grave, or something I don't know."

"And see Mr. Creepy again? No thanks."

"I'll go with you. I mean, I feel really bad for not being able to attend the funeral. I even have flowers in my car that I was going to put on her grave later."

"Are you serious? It wasn't your fault you couldn't go to the funeral. You don't have to do that."

"I want too."

I glanced at her, wondering if she would still want too after she meets Mr. Parity. He wasn't normal, in fact, he was beyond strange. He was also such a perfectionist, the spoiled and nasty part of me wondered how he'd react when he saw her. "They are weird there." I warned as I sat up. Was I a bad friend for wanting to go anyway?

"It cost your parents almost twenty-thousand dollars to bury her there, I think I know that they would be a bit strange."

"It's not just a bit." I faked a laugh. God, I shouldn't do this. I shouldn't let her go.

"Let's just go before I change my mind."

I shrugged and put a sweater on. Every part of me yelled no. "Let's get going then."