Burn ▹ Ashton Irwin

forty two

All the crying I did that morning ended up making me very tired. So I resulted in napping pretty much all day, from 9:00 AM to 3:00 PM. I've been losing sleep for a while, and I think it finally caught up with me today. When I cry, I get very sleepy. And all the confusion of the disappearing money was finally taking it's toll, putting me on an emotional spin. For hours I wept into Ashton chest, telling him over and over again that I don't want him to die. And it's true; if he dies, I don't think I'll be able to live with myself.

And I never thought I'd actually say that. When I first met Ashton, I despised the kid more than anything. But now...after everything, I feel as though my life would mean nothing if he was gone. What can I say? He's my best friend. My only friend, really. He's the best person I've ever met in my entire life. I feel like I've learned so much from Ashton, just by watching him live his carefree life, and it would all come crashing down if he was killed.

I was fast asleep for hours, due to all my excessive crying. And when I finally woke up in the late afternoon, just as the sun was transitioning past the half mark in the sky, I woke up to the sound of Ashton's voice beside me. At first it sounded muffled and far away (because half my face was buried in my pillow), but eventually I began to make out each word he was saying. I was lying on my stomach, my face turned towards the window, but I could still feel his presence on the other side of me. I'm not sure what he's been doing for the last 6 hours while I napped, but now I could tell he was sitting up against the headboard and talking on the phone.

"...I don't know, it's just getting worse," he was saying, quietly. "I don't know what to do anymore."

I didn't move once I was able to tell he was discussing something with someone else. Instead I pretended as if I was still asleep, but eavesdropped on Ashton's phone conversation.

To my surprise, it was Luke's voice on the other line. "Well have you talked to her about it?"

"I've tried...but I don't think she gets it." I heard Ashton sigh in response. I could picture his stance perfectly right now, frowning to himself and running his free hand through his hair.

Who? I thought to myself, though I kind of had a good idea. What doesn't she get?

I heard Luke's voice through the phone again, but I couldn't understand what he had said. "No, not really," Ashton replied. "I think it's just too hard for her to you know, grasp. The whole concept."

A small pause fell over Ashton and Luke's conversation, and I heard Ashton shift uncomfortably in his seat. "...Luke," he said. "She's obsessed with it."

Ouch. I thought. Now I definitely knew what they were discussing.

"How is she obsessed, Ashton?" Luke asked.

"She just is, I don't...I don't know how to explain it," Ashton mumbled. "It's all she ever talks about. 'Hey, Ashton. I'm gonna count our money for the 20th time today'...'Ashton! There's one dollar missing! We're doomed!'. I don't understand."

His imitations of me really caught me off guard. Did I really sound like that? Still, I didn't move a muscle or open my eyes, too scared to risk upsetting Ashton. If he knew I was awake, he would end the conversation immediately. And I wanted to hear what he had to say.

"She's just trying to make sure you're safe, dude," Luke's muffled phone voice said a few moments later. "She cares about you."

"I know she does, and I appreciate it..." Ashton trailed off, and then sighed. "I just worry for her, you know? Like - think about it. She was never like this in the beginning. And now she keeps having these nightmares and she keeps seeing things...it's not normal."