Burn ▹ Ashton Irwin

forty seven

The next morning, I felt so. Fucking. Guilty.

It wasn't the kind of guilt that one feels for only a few seconds, and then brushes off with a quiet, "Eh. Whatever". When Ashton woke me up at around 11:00 AM by wrapping his arms around me and telling me to "wake up, beautiful" in my ear, the guilt slid down my throat and swam around my stomach until I felt like I was about to puke.

My eyes opened and the first thing I saw was the other bed, touching the far right wall of the motel room. I saw the rumpled white sheets hanging off of the mattress, a physical result of our activities last night. When I remembered all that had happened, and the things I was thinking about as I fell asleep on Ashton's chest, that sickly feeling of guilt took over me. My eyes widened and I was about to spring right out of bed, but then I realized I was tangled up in Ashton's broad arms.

"Pst. Stubby." he whispered in my ear, his lips pressed to the back of my neck. He kissed me a few times and tugged my hair out of his way, planting his lips along my skin until he got to my shoulder. I wanted to turn around and show him I was awake and kiss him back, but instead I found myself doing what it is I do best: pretending to be asleep, because I didn't know what I would even say.

Ashton must've taken a hit was still asleep. "Alright," he chuckled, settling back down. "I'll shut up now."

I could feel him nervously tapping his foot underneath the covers. I clutched my pillow and blinked my eyes open, staring down at my hands. Memories of last night clouded my brain and made me feel like complete shit. I know that it was going to happen soon or later, that he and I would have sex with each other, but it just didn't feel right. It felt right at the time, but the morning after definitely gave me a different perspective on it.

I felt like I forced myself to give myself up to Ashton like that because I thought it would fix everything. But that's not the case - I still don't feel as though I can trust him with the things outside these motel walls. Fucking each other didn't give Ashton his safety back; Derek is still lurking around us as we speak, on the prowl to finally take him away from me. I don't know how to fix it on my own. Ashton's the one who needs to figure this shit out, but he's the one that caused it in the first place.

Ashton mumbled something to himself, I couldn't quite pick up what it was. I felt the bed shift as he flipped onto his other side, his arms disregarding my still body as he let go of me. "Just let me know when you're awake, Stubby," he said sweetly. "I'll be right here."

I cringed at the sound of his generous tone of voice. I could tell, without a doubt, Ashton sincerely thinks we're okay now. He thinks that since I let him take my virginity last night, I suddenly believe he's a perfect human being again. But that's not true at all. That's completely false, actually; as I've said already, I'm still furious at Ashton for what he did. In the category of loving him, I feel safe (for now). But in the category trusting him, I still feel betrayed.

I wanted to get the hell out of this town and go somewhere that will help Ashton and I pay Derek back. That's all I care about now, because that's the last string of hope we have to live by. If we pay him back, Ashton will live and we can finally be together, freely.

I opened my eyes and turned onto my back, turning my head to look at Ashton. "Hey," I said quietly, clearing my throat. I pushed my negative thoughts out of the way for now, and focused on making this day go smoothly in our relationship. I slid my hand under the sheets and reached to my left, poking Ashton on the butt.

He shrieked and flipped over, meeting my gaze with beaming hazel eyes and a soft giggle escaping his grin. "Stubby," he said, flinging his arms around me. He hugged me to his chest and I nuzzled my face into the crook of his neck, breathing in. Fortunately, there was no trace of alcohol/cigarette smoke attached to his soft skin; only the scents of freshly washed sheets and Ashton filled my nose.