The mate of his nanny

Chapter 173: Said Too Much

Edrick

"I want to know the real reason behind why you find it so abhorrent to be intimate with me," Moana said, chasing after me and grabbing my arm as I tried to storm out.

What I said next was a mistake. I knew that as soon as the cruel words came out of my mouth, and I wished that I could take them back when I saw the look on Moana's soft face.

"Because!" I said, whirling around to face Moana. "I will never marry you! Not you, and not anyone, and I don't want to give you the wrong idea! I don't care that you're my mate. The mate bond means nothing."

Moana's eyes widened. She released her grip on my arm and covered her mouth with her hand, taking a step back. We stared at each other in shocked silence for several long moments before she suddenly brushed past me and ran out of the room.

"God dammit, Edrick," I whispered to myself once she was gone. I slapped my hand on the wall and cursed under my breath. I felt like such a fool for saying too much; not only had I revealed that Moana was my mate too early, but I had completely misconstrued what I wanted to say and I had hurt her feelings because of it.

"You're too harsh with her," Eddy, my wolf, said. He was normally silent, and only offered advice when I specifically asked for it. Every wolf had its own personality, and Eddy was definitely the stoic type. But even he realized that I messed up just now and had to tell me about it.

"I'm aware of that, Eddy," I responded out loud as I paced restlessly around my bedroom. I sighed and flung the balcony doors open to let in the fresh air, and stepped out into the cool night. As I leaned on the railing and looked out over the city, I felt myself beginning to be able to think more clearly.

Truthfully, I did want to mate with Moana. I knew how I felt about her; I knew that, eventually, I would no longer be able to resist her, no matter how hard I tried. But at the same time, I was terrified.

I had spent my entire life hating the entire idea of the mate bond. I hated everything it stood for. I hated the lies that it spread, how people were so blinded by the idea of it that they just assumed that nothing could ever break the mate bond. My father and my mother were both living proof of the fact that the mate bond was complete and utter bullshit. They were supposed to be fated mates, and he still cheated on her.

He still treated her poorly, and yet she continued to love him unconditionally. It made me sick.
But deep down, I knew that Moana would never betray me. I knew that I could never betray her, either. I knew that I couldn't bring myself to hurt her, which was why I had been coming around to the idea.

It wasn't that simple, though. If she marked me now, then she would shift too early. I had done my research over the past few weeks and discovered that "late bloomers" like Moana — rare cases where people's wolves wouldn't appear until later in life — would often shift upon marking their mate. It was rare, but it could happen. Not only that, but it could be dangerous for both her and the baby, and I especially didn't need to worry about her being hunted. I was only trying to keep her safe.

And yet, I still hurt her because I couldn't keep control of my stupid tongue. Why was I cursed with always saying the wrong things at the wrong times?

Finally, with a sigh I pushed myself away from the balcony railing and headed back inside. The bed looked empty without Moana; I needed to make things right with her. I decided to go over to her room and apologize, and explain what I really meant earlier. At the very least, I thought that I should check on her.

However, when I walked over to her bedroom and tried to open the door, I couldn't bring myself to do it. My hand froze just before I touched the doorknob.

I heard what sounded like a sniffle inside, followed by a quiet sob. Had I made her cry?
I stood frozen there for a few moments, battling with myself about whether I should go in there and talk to her or leave her alone.

"Go," Eddy urged me. "Don't just ignore her."
But I couldn't. She was crying because of me; I didn't want to show my face and make it even worse. Ultimately, I would only hurt her feelings again.

And finally, despite my wolf's wishes, I chose to leave her alone.

Eddy wasn't happy about that decision. Neither was I, admittedly. But I couldn't bring myself to look her in the face — not after I had made her cry with my words. I would have never admitted it to anyone, not even to myself, but I was embarrassed by my own actions.

I decided that I would talk to her in the morning, after we had both had a good night of sleep. Everything was always better in the morning.
But I couldn't sleep without her. I quickly realized that when I laid down; after almost an hour of tossing and turning, I finally cursed to myself and threw the blankets off. I got out of bed and walked over to the bathroom to retrieve my sleeping pills from the medicine cabinet.

"Just one," I said to myself under my breath with a sigh before popping the pill in my mouth and swallowing it without even any water. I frowned as I looked at myself in the mirror; I had been doing so well without the sleeping pills, and I hated the way that they made me feel. I hadn't even really been drinking lately, and I probably had Moana to thank for that. Moana and her strange abilities. Now, I had pushed her away and had to resort to the old methods of getting sleep.

I went back to bed, but another hour passed and sleep still didn't come. I popped another couple of pills; within half an hour after that, I was beginning to feel fuzzy.

But I still couldn't sleep.
I got out of bed and stumbled back to the medicine cabinet, dumping two more pills out into my hand. How many had I taken at this point? I furrowed my brow as I counted in my head, but I quickly lost count, and I lost my sense of logic along with it. I popped two more pills...

What happened that night after that was a blur. I wasn't sure how many times I got up and stumbled over to the medicine cabinet, but soon it got to the point where I lost count entirely, and forgot that I had even gotten up before. Each time I got up, I felt like a broken record, and each time I popped a pill, I felt as though I hadn't taken any medicine yet.

I didn't know what happened exactly after the fifth or sixth time that I stumbled over to the medicine cabinet. Reality was fading in and out in flashes, and then...

Before I even made it back to the bed, everything went completely dark and all I felt was the sensation of my knees buckling under me, and my head hitting the floor.