Just a little more

I. Chapter 1 - Galax - I want to make you feel good

The opening night of a show. White dresses, long hair, hair up, make-up, we're beautiful, we're ready and yet I'm upset. I hate the crowd, the noise, it makes me anxious. Becky is smiling for the cameras, but just before, we had a stupid argument, as usual. She's tense and so am I.

We arrive, applause, shouts, forced smiles, she waves, she looks happy and relaxed, but I know, I know that deep down she's upset and she's angry with me. She's distant, doesn't touch me, barely smiles at me. A fan asks me for a heart. I do it with my fingers and at the same time Becky repeats her sentence, imitating her and putting a higher voice to it, like when you're making fun. Even though it's done with a smile, she's jealous. She's always been very jealous of anyone who approaches me and hits on me, but today, probably because of our discussion, it's worse. Being angry, she has less patience. 

I wait a minute, approach her gently and whisper in her ear, putting my hand close to my mouth for more privacy, "Stop pouting BB, it's bad for our image...... and you know what I want to do to bad girls." She turns her head, smiling slightly at the people around us, as if nothing had happened, without answering me, and continues her way.

We play a game with each other when it's crowded arround us and I'm stressed. We look for each other, flirting, teasing and getting excited. 

I know that Becky is attracted to me. 

No. 

Actually I know that she loves me. 

But the situation is too complicated and for our career being a couple would be dangerous. 

We've already kissed in the beginning, at parties and at her place. We're young, we've got money, we're famous, we get hit on all the time, Becky's beautiful, sexy and her tomboy side, which she keeps intimate, excites me terribly. She's both dominant and childlike, and I often must juggle her different personalities.

Fans see me as the nice, funny, slightly sexy girl thanks to the role of Sam, but I have a rather asexual image generally, whereas in real life... we've never slept together, but I've often dreamt about it, while sleeping, touching myself or simply looking at her. We leave the fans in doubt - after all, that's what we're known for - but we're not a couple, even if our relationship is really ambiguous. 

Becky wants us to be together, I know, but I'd rather not. 

I'm afraid. 

I don't want to ruin everything. And if things went badly, how would we manage the shootings and the shows?

This is how the argument started. I asked her not to be to clingy with me in front of the cameras, not to act as if we were together, and she found me hypocritical. "How can we tell people to be themselves if we hide ourselves?". She's not wrong, but the others don't have fans filming them and analyzing their every move all day long, starting rumors, sometimes with hate messages.

We continue our walk on the red carpet.

I brush her arm very gently to talk to her and I caress the shivering skin of her forearm. She looks at me sideways, with her mouth a little pinched and a nervous little laugh. She has this habit when she's upset.

I love the effect I have on her. I fucking love it. But she pulls her arm away... such a bad girl.

My manager runs her hand up my back so we can move forward, I'm sensitive today and skin-to-skin contact turns me on a little. Becky is in front of me. To my right I see illuminated signs with our names on them, I point at them and watch her smile and wave to the crowd. Unlike me, she likes it, she likes to be admired, to have her name shouted, to be filmed. 

Amazing for an introvert. I sometimes have my doubts. I think she's lying to all of us.

We go up a flight of stairs to take some photos with another couple. On the way down, she brushes against my back, and as I turn around, I grab her wrist so she can lean on it and come down safely. Becky can manage on her own by herself, but when we're together, she leans on me a lot.