Just a little more

V. Chapter 14 - Domination, jute rope and Shibari

Fans think I'm keeping this photo because Becky's cute, but in reality it represents, for me, the beginning of a realization. The beginning of this particular "craving". Becky sits with a pout and I hold her chin, lifting her head towards me. The low angle gives me a certain superiority and she looks so young, so submissive, so docile. I feel myself getting warm everytime I look at it.

My desire for domination came gradually.

At first, it scared me. The more I took care of her, the more I felt this need for control building up inside me. At first I thought it was the age difference and that it was normal. But it only got worse, every day a little more, until it became an obsession. Sometimes it's all I can think about. On or off camera. In our intimacy, our sex life, our work. Probably because it's new, something I've never really experienced. It's become my fantasy, my unspoken dream.

Sometimes when I'm alone I imagine myself controlling her, and it scares me. This game seems so natural to me with her, as if deep down it's been part of our relationship from the start. Becky often waits for my reactions to know how to act, she waits for my answers before answering a question, she waits for me to tell her what to do, where to go, how to behave. She obeys me naturally and she doesn't do that with anyone else. And every time this happens, I feel a great sense of satisfaction and pride, and arousal too.

I put the phone down on my bedside table, I lean over the edge of the bed and pick up the black box under it. I know it might be risky to leave it there, but there's nowhere else for me to put it. I take out the jute rope and sit cross-legged. I stretch out one leg and start winding the rope, tying knots around my calf and foot. I've been practicing Shibari for several months, more for the beauty and artistry than the sexual pleasure. Nobody knows about it. It's a part of me that I prefer to hide. Besides, I'm not sure I really want to test it on someone one day. 

A fantasy that becomes a reality is often a disappointment. Especially as it can be dangerous if you don't control it enough. 

I don't trust myself enough yet and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. I prefer to keep it as an escape from my reality for the time being. I look around my ankle at the coiled, criss-crossed, bound rope. I continue. I pass the rope down, up, under, over, loop, slip the rope, squeeze, feel my skin tightening and reddening. I breathe. I sometimes take polaroids when the knots are really complex and I think the end result is a success. 

I have a small box with a key that must already contain about twenty photos. I start touching the rope, caressing it. I look at its rustic side, feel its slightly rough side. I close my eyes. I hold the rope in one hand, wrap it between my fingers and stroke it with my thumb, while the other hand strokes my thigh. I lie on my back. I slide my hand over my sex. The sensation of my compressed foot is both uncomfortable, painful even, but exciting. 

I run a finger between my already wet sex.

I imagine Becky suspended, knots rubbing her skin. I'm already damp. I pull on the rope a little- Ah - which tightens on my foot. I imagine Becky surrendering to me, letting me transform and shape her body to my liking. My clitoris becomes hard and swollen under my diligent fingers. I imagine creating intricate, artistic patterns on her, revealing the beauty of her form. I'm going to come fast. I see her floating, her face at once appeased and ardent. She becomes an ephemeral work of art. My work of art that I contemplate, that I admire. I come. Quickly. And hard.

I loosen the rope. I massage my ankle, then my leg. You can still see the marks tracing geometric shapes on my skin. So beautiful. So perfect. Quickly, I put the rope back in its box and place it back under the bed, as if I were playing a forbidden game and could be surprised and punished at any moment.

Lying on my back, I look up at the ceiling, catching my breath. My heart is beating so fast. I'm not sure I want to go through this with Becky. I'm not ready to go through this with her. I want to dominate her, yes, but maybe not like this. Right now it's just a fantasy. And if I were ever to dominate her in any way, it wouldn't be with shibari, which at the moment is a personal, selfish pleasure. But maybe I just think that because the situation hasn't presented itself yet.

I set my alarm and fall fast asleep.