Just a little more

III. Chapter 6 - She's mine

We arrive at the cinema. Becky is in a school uniform too big for her, with a red skirt, white shirt and red bow on the collar. She has a braid and subtle make-up.

She's so cute. I can't wait.

We settle in at the top with Nam and the team. The room is full. They're all there for her. For my Becky, whom I admire from afar. We're given popcorn, have a little chat, laugh with each other, and the film begins. This is the second time I've watched this film, and I can't get enough of it. His character Namo is a lot like her. She has a touch of insolence that she doesn't show in front of the cameras. Her bobbed hair reminds me of the filming of GAP. What nostalgia. What a year we've been through, what a journey we've made. Still together. Always together.

Once the film is finished, Becky is interviewed.

- Becky, what would you do if you were Meta (the lead actress), would you choose to stay or break up?
- I'm breaking up.
- If you were Meta, would you choose to break up?
- No, if I were Becky!

She starts laughing nervously, sometimes looking in our direction.

No room for error. She wouldn't forgive.

I sit back in my seat without listening to the rest. I feel my anxiety returning. Everything is moving around me, laughter is nebulous in the distance, my breathing quickens. Would you forgive me? Would you really leave me at the slightest mistake? Who doesn't make mistakes, Becky?

Nam takes my hand and caresses it, looking at me worriedly. I blow out my breath a few times, then smile to reassure her. I'm called to join Becky and take a few photos.

I walk down the stairs alone, a forced smile on my lips. I can still feel all those emotions when everyone is watching me. I concentrate on her, just her. She looks at me with such admiration, such love. Becky's gaze is strong and soft at the same time. It expresses so many feelings. My heart speeds up. The closer I get, the bigger my smile.

I stand next to her, on her right. She looks at me a little embarrassed. The MC asks us a few questions and teases us a little. We smile at each other and touch our hair, a little nervously. It's hard to be so close to her in front of everyone. Her delicate perfume gives me flashes of her body, her lips, her breath against my skin...

Becky's arms are outstretched in front of her, and I can see she's trying hard not to touch me. I don't know how to react. She's normally so tactile. Why the change?

We're asked to take a few photos. I take the opportunity to stick close to her for a while, but as soon as the photos are finished, she quickly moves away and keeps that awkward look on her face.

I frown. I just don't get it. I look ahead, a little annoyed.

She positions herself to my left again, still with her arms in front of her, hands linked, distant. I feel my stress rising. Have I done something wrong? Is she just stressed by the event? Is she embarrassed to be near me? Does she regret it? I'm withdrawing more and more. I'm having a bit of trouble analyzing what's going on around us. It's all too fast, hectic and noisy. And Becky's ignoring me.

Why is she ignoring me?

Nam and the whole team join us. She moves to my right and we wait without moving too much for the photographers to do their job. Sometimes I can feel Becky watching me out of the corner of her eye. She sways a little, as she does when she's stressed, and approaches me to talk.

- Uh, will you stay a little later?
- No, we're going straight away.

She laughs nervously.

- Ah ok, quick visit!

I pout wordlessly, shaking my head and looking at the crowd in front of us. Why is she stressed? Nam moves closer to join in the conversation.

- So we'll only meet at the hotel?
- Yes, in 2 days.
- How are you, Nam?

Nam lifts her thumb and imitates a hug.

Actresses from IDF, whom I don't really know, arrive for the photos and stand in front of us at our feet.

The girl in front of me turns and nods to Becky, who waves back. I feel my stomach knot. Do they know each other? How long have they known each other? I then look at all the girls, one by one, then slowly turn to Becky. I see her shyly greet the two girls in front of them with a smile.

I feel a sharp pain in my heart...

I look ahead again and out of the corner of my eye I see the first girl turn back to Becky to smile discreetly... and Becky still smiling, looks at her kindly.

Anxious, my hands become clammy, my heart beats faster and harder. I'm all too familiar with this feeling, jealousy. With Becky, it's often excessive, even abusive.
I force myself to smile, laughing at Nam's joke about our size when I see the girl turn around again. It's automatic, I put my hand on Becky's lower back.

She's mine. Becky is mine, you can turn around, smile at her, do whatever you want, she's mine.

Becky doesn't move and keeps her hands in front of her. I wait a few seconds. Nothing.

- Put your hand behind my back, I whisper, still staring ahead, without a smile.
- Ah ok! She answers me with no real motivation, a frozen smile and an embarrassed expression.

We pose for a few photos, forced smiles, our heads closer together, a wave to a fan then I withdraw my arm. Becky asks me to make hearts with our hands. I nod. I touch my hair nervously.

The photos are finished. The girls stand up and look at Becky again. I try to control myself.

Breathe in.
Jealousy.
Breathe in.
Jealousy...

Nam and I approach Becky, who bids us farewell with a group hug. I can feel her gaze searching for mine, but I'm focused on watching with hatred these girls walk away.

When I finally turn to her, her back is to me. So I get off the stage without really saying goodbye. I can feel Becky watching us go... no... I can feel her watching me go, me, always me, only me.

We move to the side of the stage so we can leave without disturbing anyone. We'll be on a plane in a few hours. Becky takes the microphone and stands with her back to the stage. She's crying. My throat closes. What's going on? Is it me? Why so much emotion?

Her helper comes on stage to give her a handkerchief. She tries to calm down.

Production calls us to leave. Nam takes me by the hand to walk away. She tries to reassure me. I turn to Becky one last time, and with her eyes shining, she quickly looks at me and then back at her audience. My heart sinks.

On the way I overhear the girls talking about Becky, her beauty, her kindness... one even says quietly that she managed to get her phone... what? I approach from behind and my foot accidentally catches hers. She stumbles and nearly falls. She looks at me in surprise. Oops!

On the way to the car it's all I can think about. Her phone? Did she write to her? Did Becky write back? Is that why she was so strange to me? I stop dead in my tracks.

- I've forgotten something. Go without me, I'll take a cab.

The others keep going, leaving Nam alone at the back with me.

- What? No, we're waiting for you, no problem, says Nam, smiling.
- No!... no don't worry, I'll manage... please...

She stares at me without moving, then looks at my hands, which are fidgeting nervously. She understands. She's always understood. I bite my lip and look around.

- Ok, ok. Go, I'll invent something...But don't do anything stupid!

I don't answer. I retrace my steps quickly and instead of heading for the hall, I head for the dressing room. My excuse to the guard is that I've forgotten my bag. He lets me through without a hitch. I close the door behind me. I stick to the wall... and wait for her.