I have been asked by few of my followers actually why I always make Henry's life miserable. Why I always chose Henry or Alec in my Malec fanfic for that constant suffering and almost like I'm punishing them in my stories. But before I could explained to her my reasons, she blocked me and I don't blame her. I can be harsh in protecting my stories however I should but I need to tell my side of the story too. So here it is.
I started writing fanfic the moment I fell in love with Malec and it was my darkest, worst time of my life. I was suicidal, I had multiple attempts and I was done with the world. Not even my family or my friends knows about my struggled. I have been on meds, I have been on therapy and nothing ever works. I would woke up middle of the night dreaming about people I never met, seeing things I shouldn't see, doing things I shouldn't do to myself. The last straw was when I woke up standing on the window waiting to jump because I was dreaming that.
The day I saw Matt and Henry in Shadowhunter, it clicked. There was this new world that I can escape. The world where no one would know who I was, where I was from, whether or not I'm gay, or straight or Bi, whether I'm jewish, christian or muslim. None of you would know and I loved the mystery and the secrecy of it. I don't care if people said I lied about myself, none of you know me anyway and I intend to keep it that way.
The reason was because I was hurt since I could remember. Ever since I was a kid, I was told what to do, how to dress, how to walk, how to stand and how to talk properly. I hate that every single thing I did in life would never ever satisfied my parents and knowing every single mistake that I made would end up in me getting slapped, whipped or punched and beaten and they would play the victim card saying that I was treated that way so I would grow up stronger.
It's a lie.
Nothing made me stronger, I became more frightful, I was afraid of anyone that came near me. And I avoid relationships because I was too afraid of being control by someone and I made a mistake in trusting men when they decided to rape me. I could never be in relationship anymore after what he did.
Sometimes when I write, it wasn't the idea it's just memories of getting myself hurt and I can't stop it. I remembered every single detailed of my bad memories. I still even remember the shape of the penis looks like from the guy who raped me but I never remember what he looks like. I also remember the time he dumped me on the streets and told me to walk home so he won't have anyone sees him dropping me off. I wasn't drunk, I wasn't drugged but he threatened me that if I didn't do what he says, he would spread rumors to all my college friends that I was a whore and everyone can use me as they pleased. In my mind the only thing that matters is that being raped by a person is a lot better than being humiliated by the whole college. I was that naive and stupid.
Being in therapy doesn't help because I never met the right therapist that won't see me like I was seeking attention. So I stopped seeing them. Neither of the medication helped me in anyway and why the hell all those medications would make your mouth dry like freaking sands??? The medication made me lost track of my time and I can't enjoy things I used to feel happy about. So I took it all. Might as well end it that way, but I was that stupid to come back.
People ask me how the hell can I work in healthcare being who I am and the answer is easy. I shut down. I turned off my brain when I go to work and become a different person. I was the cheerful, the safest, played by rule person just so I could earn my money and go home. I never hurt my patients, I never blamed them for how they behave and I was treated badly at work equally but I don't care. I wasn't myself when I'm at work and when I got home, I am me again.
There is a uniqueness in every story. Some people loves to make the story about them as the third person, others they love their own point of view. Mine, I would make one character based on my life and hurt them anyway possible so I won't hurt myself in the process. So if you're asking me to stop hurting Henry or Alec, I can only tell you no. I can't because the moment I stopped, I would go back to myself and hurt me anyway possible. I have scars I can't heal, I have memories I can't erase and I can't change any of that but in my stories, I can change it however I wanted. I wish I was as strong as my character but everyone knows I'm not. Many of you can see that I never followed anyone in my Wattpad because I don't want to call any favors. I read every single fanfic there is out there and I was proud of what you guys wrote but the reason why I write is not because to entertain people that I don't know. I write so I can make sure my head doesn't get too disturbed by the images of things that would make me relapsed. It's hard to explain to people that my brain doesn't stop giving me ideas on how to hurt myself.
Just know that someday I might succeeded and the moment you stop hearing about me, or when I stopped posting, just know that I might not be here anymore but my stories will always be here to keep you guys entertained. For the person who asked me this question, I hoped you read this and I hate you for didn't give me a chance to even let me explain myself.
YOU ARE READING
Lost Prince
FanfictionWhat if after the leak of the emails had made both Henry and Alex react differently. Alex might have his whole family support him but Henry never did got the support he needed and soon he felt losing himself to the world for the shame he had cause.
