Control (Dark Romance)

Chapter 40

Part 3/3 of the Triple Update! Make sure you read the others before this one!

For this chapter, I wrote it to so many songs:

- Betrayal, Ludwig Göransson
- Vanilla Baby, Billie Marten
- Lionhearted, Billie Marten

- Death, Martin Czeny 

- Missing the Mark, Aquilo

But the main songs were Prayer by Keaton Henson and Betrayal by Ludwig Göransson

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Nikola's P.O.V

I always thought that Hagen and I were a matter of 'when', not 'if'.

It was what got me through the worst of it, the years when he'd gone from being the person who I loved the most to the person who hated me the most, and then most recently with all the ups and downs we faced as we tried to navigate our bond.

I always thought, eventually, we'd be together, and it would all be okay. Not worth it, but okay.

As I looked at him now though, I saw the truth I'd been running from my entire life. The one that had been blaring at me from the day he'd torn himself from my life and told me that we could only be friends or nothing.

It was not a matter of when. It had never been a matter of when.

"I think I hate you." I had always struggled with my words, especially with Hagen when I wanted so desperately to find the right ones to give him, but these came easily. "I think..." I pause, considering the words intensely as I look into Hagen's eyes, and yes, "I think I hate you."

Hagen had been breathing heavily from the moment he'd pulled himself away from me and spouted the words that had reopened old wounds and left them aching. Those short breaths pick up now, and his brown eyes widen and muddle with something no part of me wants to decipher.

"I just wanted you. All I have ever wanted was you, Hagen, but you don't want me."

He had said it, years ago, and I hadn't wanted to believe it. Did that make this all my fault?

"I thought you did, in some way. I thought you just needed time, so I've been trying to figure out what I have to do to make you love me, because I love you," That wasn't a question. "But... there's nothing I can do, is there? There's never been anything I could do."

I frown, brows twitching a little as I stare at him, this person I loved so much."You don't want this. You don't want me."

Hagen's lips part, and maybe he means to agree or deny it, but they are words I don't care to hear. My mind was raging with activity, collapsing in on itself as everything came together in a way I'd never seen before, or just didn't want to, to avoid the pain.

And there is pain. So much pain.

"You've never wanted me."

My words are steady— simple in a way that's terrifying to the ears, but that's not how I feel on the inside. At my core, in my spirit where Neo howls and the very bond between us begins to splitter, I feel like I'm breaking all over again.

I had just wanted the pain to stop. That's all I ever wanted and now, it was worse than ever before.

Hagen swallows, and it seems to take him effort to do so before he manages to speak. "I wouldn't be here if I never wanted you. You can't blame me—"

"No, I can't blame you," I agree while my fists tighten at my sides. "I can never blame you. It is always my fault. Everything that happens between us. Everything I do or don't do. Everything is my fault. I try to do what I think you want— it's my fault. I try to make you happy— it's my fault. I touch you, the way you want me to touch you— and it is still my fault."