In the Shadows

Part Seventeen: the Divide

*CW: self harm, blood*

    Spring break was coming to an end. And though I haven't seen Anthony too much, everything still felt good. He was solid, knowing he was out there helped me keep my feet on the ground. His consistent affirmations offered me a sense of stability. I found myself day dreaming about him, hoping that things would last as I tried to ignore the anxiety that boiled under the surface. Returning to school, facing reality, sounded more dreadful than ever after having been in the bubble of my new relationship.

    He had reassured me so many times that he would stay beside me whenever possible, and I truly believed him. Something about Anthony just made sense; like I knew him my entire life. My knight in shining armor came to sweep me off my feet.

    "What the fuck is this?" My mom hissed, grabbing my arm. The plate I had been washing fell from my grip, clattering against the metal sink. I pulled away quickly, shutting off the water and wiping my hands dry on my pants.

    "Well?" She asked again, I could see anger burning behind her eyes. I was too panicked to reply. My heart was immediately pounding, the words caught in my throat, I felt like I might choke on my tongue. The energy of her rage filled the room. The tension in the air weighed me down like a lead apron.

    "Mom, I-"

    "You what? What excuse could you possibly have for doing something so stupid?" I looked passed her to my dad, leaning against the counter quietly. My eyes pleaded with his for some help, but I knew there was nothing he could say to calm my mom. The secret was out.

    She took my arm again, aggressively pushing up my sleeve to examine the scars. Some fresher than others, she looked at each of the pale pink hash marks that covered from my wrist to the crease of my elbow.

    Mom shook her head as she looked back to my face. Shame overflowed as tears. My vision grew blurry as I felt my mom's grip tighten on my hand. Her nails pressed hard into my skin. Maybe she wouldn't be so upset if she knew the truth; maybe the truth would make it all worse. Why didn't I tell them? How could I let that happen to me?

    I bit the tip of my tongue to keep my composure, I knew I had a long lecture ahead of me. I bit down harder, silky, copper blood seeped between my teeth. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" Mom scoffed, letting go of me. "What were you thinking? What if someone sees this- what are your grandparents going to think?"

I hadn't thought for a single second what anyone else might think about the way I was tearing my body apart. Someone else's opinion didn't seem very important to me when I picked up that razor blade.

Mom began to pace. My dad's hands went up, pushing down on the air as he asked my mom to calm down. She flashed her dagger eyes at him, continuing to rant. "Look at your daughter. Look what she did to herself."

"Why?" My dad started to ask, struggling to process.

My mind was numb. I wanted to tell him, but I couldn't handle disappointing him any further. I was failing in school, I have failed my family. I'm broken. The only words I could force out, "I don't know."

"Bull shit." My mom snapped at me, pointing a finger at me, and dishonor reflecting in her eyes. "I know why. You thought you'd be cool, right? Do something stupid and show it off to all your little friends so they think you're all dark and edgy."