In the Shadows

Part Eighteen: the Picnic

All I could hear was the air conditioner humming in the hallway. The cool air billowed down on top of me, my cat nestled closer into my side. He seemed to sleep through anything, and always by my side. We adopted him when he was a kitten and I was just a toddler. His routine remained the same no matter how often we packed up our lives. It's funny how the little fuzz ball offered me such a strong sense of consistency and stability. For a while, my cat was the only thing I could depend on being the same. Until I met Anthony.

    He made the dust of my life settle.

Everything felt a bit numb at first. I didn't sleep one second the night before school.

My eyes wandered to the wall across from my unmade bed, covered with sketches and the beginnings of paintings. The dollop of acrylic paint I had left on my pallet was completely dry. I hoped to surprise Anthony with a painting at school, but the argument with my parents threw everything off. I didn't want to give him something that I made with sadness in my heart; I couldn't give him that when he offered me so much joy.

    Brrrrt. My cat half meowed as I was rolling out of bed. I picked up my sketch book, stained and worn. Finding a clean page and a comfy place to sit, I got to work. With a little over an hour before I had to get going, I concentrated all my artistic prowess on drawing something that might make Anthony smile. Oh, how I wanted to see him smile for the rest of my life.

I had been on the receiving end of the word love three times in my young life: The first time was at my old home. A boy I had fawned over, Bailey, and I grew a very deep friendship. We considered each other best friends, despite the strong feelings I thought I had under the surface. Bailey had just broken up with his long term girlfriend Leigh when he called me in the middle of the night. He was crying when he needed me. I snuck out of the house to meet him at the playground in our neighborhood. Sitting on the swings, he told me he had been in love with me. We smoked a little weed and kissed a lot before heading home under the cover of night.

The following school day, I found out he had taken pictures of me to make Leigh jealous. She decided to send them to everyone else as revenge. The two got back together, telling everyone that I had forced myself onto Bailey as a cover for his own wrong doings. I felt my heart break for the first time, and lost all my friends in the process. Feeling the people I trusted begin to hate me was what first introduced depression into my life. It wasn't long after that we packed up to move here.

It was here in California that I received the word love for the second time. This came from Cain. And it was a lie.

Fuck Cain.

And the third time I received love was from Anthony. When my Anthony said the word love to me, that was the first time I felt it. I could feel every ounce of his adoration deep in my core. The way he held me in the park that day, his baritone voice embracing me with those sweet words; Anthony left no room for doubt when he spoke to me. His confidence attacked my anxiety like a vaccine to a virus.

***

    We made plans to meet during our lunch break, Anthony was not a second late. We walked into the outdoor amphitheater at the same time, it was a beautiful day to sit outside. The lush green grass waved as a gentle breeze rolled through, the sun from the cloudless sky felt warm against my skin.

    I walked straight into Anthony, my arms clasped tightly around his middle. I rested my head on his chest as he kissed the top of my head. His wide hands brushed down my back as he spoke, "There's my girl."