Young Girl

21- Collapse

Remus's POV-

"I told you I remember nothing." I snapped.  After I had been knocked out by the four wolves, a rogue pack who disagreed with Greyback's rule had taken me in.  Since then I travelled from pack to pack trying to persuade wolves to join the cause.  I have been unsuccessful to say the least.  In fact the only thing keeping me alive is the knowledge that I will soon be able to see Tonks again.  I'm going to take a break at Christmas, pay Molly a visit and all round relax for a while.

"You must remember something." Louisa smirked.  Once more the subject had turned to her favourite, Tonks, "You're in love with her.  I was once in love you know." Now that in fact was news, "Yeah." She smiled, "His name was Brody; his smile lit up my world.  Then I was bitten." Here it goes, he left her, he found her unbearable.  And that is the exact reason I refused to let myself succumb to Tonks's charm.  But what Louisa said next surprised me more than anything, "He tried so hard to help me through it.  He was so beautiful.  To Brody I was me, that's what he liked and thats what he wanted.  But one night, we forgot.  I woke up the next morning with his body in my lap."

"That is why I won't let Dora love me." I sighed, "I don't want to hurt her.  She knows why.  And what if she wants to get married or...or have kids.  I couldn't make her do that.  She'd be an outcast."

"Well screw you." Louisa said softly, "You have a chance.  I had none.  Be happy Rem.  Go see her, apologise."

"I'll go." I said, full of new found confidence, "You're right.  I have a chance.  Thank you so much Lou.  And I'm sorry."

×Later×

According to Molly, Tonks still lived in the little house on the cliff.  Hearing Harry talk about her so flyaway twisted my stomach.  But the fact of her changed patronus terrified me, was her love that strong?  I arrived on the very edge of the cliff after apparating there, the wind and rain whipping around my face.

I could see her house as a big, ominous shadow in the cloud, like in a horror movie.  I started to head towards it, a new spring in my step.  I was going to apologise, tell her I loved her.  It could be fine.  My excuse was that Molly said she was spending Christmas alone (which she did) so I came to visit.

Thinking back on as I approached the door, I think I was nervous.  But how could I be?  Then I didn't know there was anything to be nervous about.  It would change.  I knocked on the door, but no one came to answer.  But she wasn't out, I could hear the sound of a TV inside.  Carefully, I pushed the door open with one hand, and froze. 

Through the corridor, I had a clear view into the living room.  Tonks was lying on the sofa, her head lolling slightly off and a large pile of cigarette butts on the table beside her.

"Tonks!" I yelled, running in.  She was deathly pale, dark brown hair and scarily thin.  I skidded onto my knees and lifted her head up, cradling it against my chest.  She was passed out, but why?  I quickly woke her up, but the reaction wasn't immediate.

She first started to sputter and then let out a low cry.  Tears were trailing down her hollow cheeks, following the path that looked like it had been taken by many before it.  She seemed to start to make an effort to get up, but fell back, clutching at her stomach with thin fingers.  I called her name again and her eyes slowly opened.  They were pale grey, but bloodshot and tired.

"Remus?" She whispered, before her eye lids closed once more and her head fell limp against my chest.  I shouted her name, but when no reply came, hurriedly bit my knuckles to stop myself from screaming.

I slipped my arms around her and lifted her up off the sofa.  She made a small noise and hung limply to my shirt.  I carried her through the rest of the house and up towards her bedroom.  The bed didn't look like it had been slept in for days and there was a mess all over the place.

I gently lay her on the bed, detatching her hand from my top.  I shook her shoulders, praying to any God who may be listening that she would wake up as I tucked a bang of hair out of her face. 

After a couple of minutes, it became clear that all she needed was sleep, so I stopped shaking her.  I made my way down into the kitchen and quickly made up a sandwich for her. I left it beside her on the table, along with a note reading;

Dear Nymphadora,
I'm not sure quite why I came, perhaps to apologise or maybe even to try my luck.  But when I saw the state you were in, it once more occurred to my brain that you would be so much better without me.  Though I cannot bear to see you hurt and do not love you as perhaps I could; I hope you understand me.  You once said that you didn't care what people thought about me.  But you should.  Enjoy your life without me, start by saving yourself from starvation.  At least then I can return to my mission knowing you are not in danger of dieing so soon and pure.  It is better that we remain out of contact. 
From a friend,
Remus John Lupin

And with that I left her once more, returning to my work with a heavy heart.  I didn't know how much longer I could hold back my desire for her.  But I knew the bonds were beginning to break... and it scared me.