Until Now

I Don't Know

    "Hi," Jack mumbled into my skin, "how'd you sleep?"

    "Good," I lied. 

     He pulled me closer to him, and he took a deep breath. My eyes were still open, hesitating, wanting to run again. I knew I couldn't always run, though. I had to be mature and handle the situation.

    "Your hair smells like apples," he commented. 

    "Is that good?" 

    "Mhm." He nudged against me, burying his face in my neck. 

    "I should be getting home," I whispered. 

    "No, stay." 

    "I have to do some stuff today before work." 

    "I'll drive you to work," he offered. I shook my head. "Can I pick you up, at least? We can get food or something after."

   "Jack, I just have a lot on my mind." 

   "Do you not want to fix this?" He sat up, taking his arms away from me. 

    I rolled over, looking up at him. I had every intention of saying I did, because part of me did. I had every intention of lying and telling him I was one hundred percent sure I wanted to. I opened my mouth, but no words came out. He just stared at me in return. I sat up slowly, adjusting myself to sit crosslegged on the bed, facing him. We both sat like that in silence, keeping our eyes on each other. Neither of us spoke. Neither of us moved. 

    Finally, he stood up. He turned back to face me, now repeating our previous actions. 

   "Jack," I finally spoke. 

   "Mace, what are we doing?"

   "I don't know." 

    "What do you want?"

    "I don't know."

    "Do you want to be with me?"

    "I don't know." I looked down at the bed sheets, my hands fumbling with the blankets. 

    "What do you know?"

    "That I loved you." I looked up quickly as soon as I said this. I hadn't meant to say that.

    "You loved me." I kept my eyes on him as he spoke, biting my lip. 

    "I love you," I corrected.

    "Don't." He held his hand up. "Don't lie to me."

    "Jack." I sat up on my knees, reaching toward him. He took a step back so he was just out of reach. 

    "You should go, Mace." 

    "Can I just have some time to think about everything?"

    "Why'd you even come here if you were literally unsure about everything?"

    "I wanted to apologize." Now, my outstretched hand rested on the bed itself, and I hoped he'd place his hand in mine. 

    "For what?"

    "Not loving you enough. Not loving you right."

    "Maisie," Jack whispered. "I am so in love with you."

    "It didn't always seem like that," I noted, "and I think that's when I started to stop loving you."

    "Your love for someone else should not depend on the way they treat you."

    "Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?" I sat back on my heels, my hand now falling to my side. 

    "If you need someone to spoil you and act so in love with you all the time in order to be faithful and love them, you have a problem."

    "That's not what this was about!" I folded my arms, raising my voice. "But I deserved better." 

    "Your love for someone is measured by their love for you. Logan spoiled you and followed you like a puppy, and you fell in love with him because of it. Love is about being comfortable with each other, not needing to express it all the time to know it's there."

    "Love is not about being ashamed to introduce your girlfriend to your friends."

    "Is that really what all of this is about?"

    I stood up, shaking my head. "You don't understand."

   "No." He shook his head. "Maybe I don't." 

    He turned around, leaving me standing in the middle of his bedroom alone. I felt tears prick my eyes, but this time, I was angry and not sad. Things had changed, and I couldn't be with someone who couldn't even try to see where I was coming from. I didn't need grand gestures to fall in love, but I knew I deserved to be loved by those I gave my love to. I didn't need him to show me off, but I needed him to love me in public.