I was a Mistake

Bath Time

Momma was mean. She didn't love me anymore and she didn't want to be around me. She fed me the twin's leftovers once a day and I could see my ribs poking at my skin. The hunger gnawing at my stomach was a familiar feeling I was learning to get used to.

Momma didn't always hit me, not every day anyway, but the knowledge that she could and would had become my biggest fear. The pain from her abuse was sometimes more than I could take. Sometimes Momma would come in with tears streaming down her face and her belt with little spiky things on it. She'd bend me over the stairs and hit me without explaining what I did to her, why I was in trouble. I don't think Momma's aim was very good and she'd often hit my back and legs more than my bottom. The day after, I usually spent down on my rug with a couple extra shirts I'd found for cushion.

I hadn't seen the twins in so long and I really missed them. I always wondered if any of them missed me. My favorite time of the day was when Momma and the twins sat down for dinner and I could sit at the top of the stairs to listen. I'd rest my ear on the door, trying to get every detail. It made me feel like I was a part of the family again.

The twins talked about their time at school. They talked about their friends and the lunches the cafeteria provided. I wondered if Momma would ever let me go to school. The lunches sounded very delicious.

I listened to Momma talking at the table about my grandma coming to visit. I wondered if I'd be able to see her or if Momma would keep me downstairs. I'd always loved Gram and her hugs. I thought maybe I'd be able to hug her just once and then I'd go back to the basement happily. Momma never hugged on me anymore. Maybe that would change when my grandma got here.

Momma opened the basement door as I looked through a box of old toys. I jumped up, running back to my makeshift bed, but not before she caught me. Her face turned the color of the fire truck Daddy used to drive and she came to slap me hard on the back of my head.

"What did I tell you about my stuff? Get up and come upstairs! You haven't bathed for, what, a month? You look disgusting."

I noticed that Momma had cut her hair since the last time I had seen her. Her golden hair was curly and nice at her shoulders. I remembered when she loved me, I used to love running my fingers through it as she lay beside me, pulling me into sleep.

I followed my mother eagerly up the stairs. She grabbed my upper arm and dragged me through the living room when my aching body wasn't fast enough for her. The twins gasped at the sight of me. I missed them so much I tried to struggle out of my momma's hand to go to them. Momma stopped that immediately with a slap to the side of the head. The twins looked healthy, they had grown. I smiled at them, so happy to see them again. They didn't smile back.

She brought me into the bathroom to strip me and drop me in the bathtub. I was pushed underwater to get my hair wet. I sat up, sputtering for air, as she started to scrub shampoo in my hair with a lot of strength. I clenched my teeth but didn't say anything. It felt so good to be in the water. It felt good to see my momma, too.

She dunked me under water some more, but I was prepared and held my breath. As soon as my mother was done with my hair and body, focusing on the dirt, she whipped me out of the tub without a towel.

She left to get me a dress while I stood there shaking in the cold bathroom. She dressed me and looked at me for a minute. Her eyes seemed to study me for just a second before she picked up a brush and raked it through my hair yanking at the tangles. She took my old toothbrush and scrubbed at my teeth, telling me to spit after a few moments. I spit out the toothpaste and saw it mixed with blood. I looked to Mommy to see if that was normal, but she wasn't paying attention.

When I was clean, she grabbed my hand and dragged me into the living room where Gabriella and Gabriel sat. They didn't speak to me as I stood up to give them hugs. I'd missed them so much, all I wanted to do was feel their arms around me. They pushed me off and ran out of the room.

My eyes filled with tears against my will and I sat down in the middle of the living room holding my small arms around my body. I thought hard, trying to remember what I did to make everyone so mad at me. Momma and the twins entered the living room hand-in-hand, and they all sat on the couch in front of me. I gazed at their joined hands longingly.

"Kids and Eden, Grandma will be coming to visit for a few days. Twins, please, she doesn't know what Eden has done so we are going to pretend like we still like her, okay?" The twins nodded their heads and smiled at me.

I wasn't sure what I had done either, but I grinned back, excited they acknowledged me and stood to try to hug them again. Momma held me back, "You are not to touch us unless we come to you. You are still very much in trouble and are not to say a word to your grandma. Do you understand?"

I liked to talk before being moved to the basement. It had taken me a while to begin talking when I was a baby because the twins always talked for me. But when I started speaking, it was as if my family couldn't get me to stop.

In the basement, I always whispered to myself, telling myself stories and singing. My parents had been so proud of me for finally talking, I figured if they heard me in the basement, they'd realize how proud they were and love me again. I was confused again because now Momma didn't want to hear me talk. She wanted to know if I understood that she didn't want me to talk. I didn't, but I didn't like getting hit. I nodded my head that I understood.

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