I was a Mistake

In Trouble... Again

Mrs. Winters dropped me off at my house around six as usual. I shuffled up the sidewalk, trying to waste time. Another car was parked beside Mommas. I slowly turned the doorknob and pushed it open, trying to be quiet in case I wasn't supposed to be there. Sometimes Momma would make me leave the house for a few hours because she wanted to pretend I didn't exist.

My family sat at the kitchen table next to a man that had his back to me. They were sitting around a pizza and laughing loudly. The twins wore hats with the name of the amusement park they went to and the bounced as if filled to the brim with the sugar they had consumed.

They looked like a happy family. I felt like a ghost looking in on what I had always hoped for. This is what Momma wanted. I ruined it for her. Momma and Gabriel saw me first because they were sitting on the side of the table that was causing them to face where I was standing. Momma froze, her eyes wide and angry. Gabriel's grin spread even wider across his sizable cheeks, excited for what was about to play out.

As if noticing the change in mood, the man that sat at the table turned to me. He wasn't attractive by any stretch of the word. His face was hawklike and red, and the hair that framed his face was greasy with specks of gray in it. He was skinny and his eyes held the same crazy look my momma had.

I took a step back, feeling like their prey. I backed up until my back hit the sofa, Momma and the man still staring me down.

"Who's this, Shanie?" The man's voice gave me chills. There was an evil tone to it and I became terrified. I hoped this man wouldn't be here for long.

"That's Eden. The mistake I was telling you about? She wasn't supposed to come home until you were gone. She's really good at ruining the best days."

I didn't know I wasn't supposed to come home. Momma hadn't talked to me that morning and she didn't say when I needed to be home. On those days, I was always to come home at six as planned. Why couldn't I do anything right?

"Well, I'm sure she can hide while we finish up our day, right kids?" He glared at me, expectantly. He turned back to the twins with a smile.

My heart ached painfully. Was I that easy to dislike? I didn't know the man and already he hated me. I was reminded I was a bad kid and didn't deserve people's kindness. I stood there looking at my feet.

"That means, get the fuck out of my house, Eden! Go! Find something to do." Momma had stood up from her seat at the table and looked ready to advance on me. I jumped and leaped to the door, running outside.

I didn't know where to go. The Winters had already dropped me off for the day and I didn't want to impose more than I already did. I decided I'd go to the old park Daddy use to take me to. I ran all the way there, trying not to trip in my new, too big shoes.

When I arrived at the park, it was empty save for some teenagers grouped around the bench. They didn't pay me any attention. I went to the swings first, imagining Daddy telling me to hold on tight as he pushed me high in the air like a bird. I ran around the playground next, seeing him chase after me, laughing his thunderous laugh. I tripped and cut open my knee, sawdust and dirt lodging itself in my skin. Daddy would have kissed that and cleaned it for me. I hugged myself like Daddy would.

I stayed there long after the teenagers had left. One girl jogging by asked me if I needed help getting home and I shook my head quickly. I didn't want her to take me home. She looked like she wanted to protest but eventually walked off. I sat on a bench until the sky was pitch black and the stars and the moon lit up the sky like far away torches.

I would have stayed the night on that bench. Momma wasn't there and she couldn't hit me. But when my body shook from the cold and I couldn't feel my fingers, I started my way back to the house. I walked slowly, begging Jesus from Sunday school to let Momma be asleep.

I opened the front door slowly for the second time that day after ensuring the other car was gone. Momma wasn't asleep. In fact, she sat shaking with her whiskey bottle in her hand. As if her favorite drink gave her superhuman hearing, her head whipped to the side and her crazed eyes burned holes in my body.

"Come here," she mumbled and I strained my ears to hear her.

"Goddammit, Eden, get your ass over here!" I bolted to her side, contemplating briefly if she'd run after me if I tried to run back outside.

"Why do you have to be such a fuck up? Why do you have to ruin everything? Are you trying to make us all hate you?" I shook my head quickly and she slapped my cheek.

"Does it look like I want an answer from you? Sometimes I wish I would have aborted you. My life would be easier and you wouldn't be here to fuck every damn thing up! If you ruined this date and that man doesn't come back, I will murder you."

My legs threatened to give out on me. Momma had never looked more serious in her life. I shook like a leaf. I stared at her whiskey bottle, watching it empty as she gulped the liquid down like water. When she had drained it, she stared at the bottle, as if cursing it for not refilling itself.

Without warning, she grabbed my arms and turned me around so I was facing away from her. From the reflection in the window, I saw her raise the bottle above her head and she brought it down on my back. The bottle didn't break, it was thick glass, but the pain took my breath away. I fell to the floor and bit my lip to keep the scream from escaping.

Momma hit me with that bottle more times than I could count past the pain. The only sounds in the room were Momma's grunts at the effort she put into hitting me, her hateful words, and the pounding of skin. When Momma grew tired, she grabbed me by the arm and dragged me to the basement door. "Don't think I didn't notice your new clothes. That family is only trying to get into heaven. They're using you and you're too stupid to see it. No one could possibly love you, you're too much of a fuck up. Clean this kitchen and go to bed."

When Momma had settled into the couch and turned on a tv show, I pulled myself up using the kitchen table. My body was weak, welts and bruises growing. I cleaned to the best of my ability, silently crying.

I refused to believe what Momma said about the Winters. They weren't using me. I couldn't take it if they were. They were my only happiness and I needed them. They were my escape, my friends, the only people who seemed to care about me. They couldn't be using me.

I finished cleaning and limped down the stairs. I fell asleep after I prayed that things would get better, that the Winters weren't anything but the amazing family I had grown to love more than my own.

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