The Kick Back

Loose Change

I wanted to talk to Stephanie but for some reason I was avoiding it. I was okay but the stress was really starting to build. I could barely get through my days because I had so much on my shoulders. I had pressure coming from all sides. Pressure from my family to leave the Stephanie situation alone and get over, the same pressure coming from friends, and pressure from some family members and friends that were close to both Stephanie and I, to talk to her and clear the air. I still had feelings for her, that much was certainly true. I just didn't think there was a need for us to get back together, especially since her life seemed to be improving without my company.

I took a walk late one Monday night. It had been months since Stephanie and I parted ways over the abortion and I hadn't stopped dreaming about her and what we had went through. I couldn't take it anymore so I started taking late night walks whenever she was on my mind too tough. That particular night, I snuck over to the East side, hoodie and spray can on deck. At that point, I didn't care if someone saw me. I didn't care what the consequences would have been. I wanted to do whatever I wanted to do and nobody was gonna stand in the way of that. I needed a change, a change in life, a change in the way I felt. My emotions were out of control and all I wanted to do was be in control of them for once. Why did I have to meet her at that kickback? Why did I have to fall for this chick? And why was she still on my mind?

Once I found a partially empty space on one of the trains on the railroad tracks, I started tagging it. My arm glided back and forth until a recognizable figure had been formed. A heart, one side larger than the other, half empty, half full, signifying how I felt at that very moment. I stepped back and took it all in. My art seemed to be the only thing that brought peace to my life. I sat down in front of the train and tried to swallow that lump in my throat. Only that time, I couldn't. Before I could stop myself, I was crying. Tears streamed down my face uncontrollably. I was so tired and all I wanted to do was turn love off. But I realized then, in that moment, that it wasn't ever gonna be possible. I loved her, it wasn't going anywhere, but I was stuck.

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The next morning, I went to science class with a renewed attitude and outlook on my life period. I wasn't gonna let my emotions consume me. The most important thing was finishing school and making sure that I stayed focused. I sat down near Mike on purpose, just to clear the air and make sure that things were gonna be cool between us. We had always vowed to never let a girl come between us. We had been homies since we were babies and that was one thing that I wasn't willing to throw away no matter what. He looked over at me and nodded. "What's up?" he asked. I nodded back and replied, "No matter what, I want us to be friends. I was wrong for thinkin that somethin was goin on with you and Steph when it wasn't. I blew shit out of proportion and I'm sorry." He smiled and then shook my hand. Nothing else needed to be said, we had an understanding immediately. It didn't take drama or arguing back and forth for us to repair things because that's just how our friendship was, apologize and move forward. "It's alright, hombre. I probably would've reacted the same way if I were you. Especially if I still loved the girl, I probably would've lost it." he said. I had to smile because he actually understood. Truthfully, I had missed kickin it with him and the rest of the homies and living carefree and wild. Everything was cool before we got involved in the Stephanie mess.

"Never again will anything get in the way of what we've had forever. These girls aren't that important, my man. Long as we got an understanding then as far as I'm concerned, this shit never happened." Mike said, shaking my hand again. "Thanks, man. I appreciate that." I told him. I noticed Stephanie and one of our other classmates walk in, talking and laughing. I avoided eye contact and purposely distracted myself. There was no way I was gonna lose it again over here. I just couldn't. As soon as they took their seats, the teacher came in and shut the door behind himself. "Good morning class. I have a few announcements to make. One being, there's a senior meeting after school so to whom it applies, get your butts there. Secondly, I have decided to assign a group assignment." He said, as he started writing on the board. Once he was done, he started passing around a sheet of paper. "This tells you who your partners are, groups of two, and yes, you are responsible for your own portion of this assignment. It is due in two weeks and worth about 30% of your midterm grades so please take it seriously." he said in a stern voice. When I got the paper, I wasn't surprised to see who I had been partnered with. That's just how my life seemed to work those days. I didn't get what I wanted when it came to anything. I looked in Stephanie's direction, and she looked back at me. She didn't look too thrilled to be partnered with me either but we had to do what we had to do.

After class, I made it out of the door as quick as I could so that I wouldn't have to speak with Stephanie right away. But to no avail, she caught up with me by the lockers. "Antonio!" she shouted. I turned around, annoyed to say the least. I knew we had to speak for the sake of the project, but I didn't see why it had to be so soon. "Listen, let's just make the best of this, okay?" she said. I nodded in agreement. We could at least be civil enough to finish the project together. "We will. When do you wanna meet up and start on everything?" I asked her. She looked around and then looked back at me. "How about tomorrow after school? We can meet up out front and head to the library to get our research done." she said. I nodded, wanting the conversation to be over already. It was too hard staring at her face and into those brown eyes. I couldn't avoid it for much longer so I pretended like I was actually in a rush to get to History class. "Okay. I gotta go but I'll talk to you later on." I told her. I hurried and walked off, trying to shake off those familiar feelings she always made me feel. I didn't look back...there was no need to.

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I got home that afternoon and decided that I wouldn't leave. I was tired and I didn't wanna run into anyone. I didn't wanna mess with Maria and her shit so I walked into my room, shut the door, and laid across my bed. I closed my eyes, thinking I would dose off for a while. That's when my bedroom door opened and my Pops stuck his head in. "Mi hijo, telefono para ti." he said. I got up reluctantly and headed into the family room. I picked up the phone. "Hello?' I answered. "Hi Antonio." Maria replied. I sighed. "I can't come over today, it's not a good time right now so I'll just talk to you later." I told her, rushing to get off of the phone. "Antonio, I understand that, but we need to talk." she told me. I didn't see why and I didn't wanna make my way over there especially when I didn't wanna be there or be around her in the first place. "Antonio, please. It's important. You need to come over here now." she pleaded. It set off an alarm in my head so I decided to go on over there and see what was up.

What was it that was so important? The last thing I needed was some bad news...