Otayuri Oneshots

Apologies (A/N)

I am really sorry about that last chapter.  I did warn you all though, that it was extremely triggering.  This one may be a bit triggering too.  I shall tell you when to skip if you do get triggered by that sort of content.

Honestly,  I got a few dm's about how it made people feel and my best friend said she couldn't bare to read it all (Autumn). I'm not taking it down though.  I think it spreads awareness about how people feel when they have these sorts of thoughts and experiences.

I thought I'd share my own with you.

Kind of trigger warning

I'm only 13, most people say I'm too young for all of this.  I have the mental age of a 15 year old after a rocky and unstable relationship with my mum forced me to grow up faster than I should've at age 9. I had been bullied since the day I started school for my weight and appearance.  I had a low self esteem since the age of 6. My dad walked out at when I was 9.  I was forced to live with my mum,  who verbally abused me and hated my very existence at times.  She nurtured my sister but refused to nurture me. I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD for the first time at age 10,but wouldn't receive help until the age of 12. My mum went into denial after this point,  refusing to accept my tendencies.  She'd touch me when she had no right to after I asked for privacy,  she'd shout at me,  she'd deny me things that helped me control my anger to punish me for aggression (such as minecraft and special bracelets that I could wear to tell people if I wanted to be approached or not).  I started hating myself more and more and began comparing myself to my perfect sister.  I experienced my first mental health dip at age 11, when I was forced to go to a mental health clinic and charity for self harm.  It didn't work,  made me feel worse and achieved nothing.  My best friend moved away the previous year, leaving me with no one.  I made new friends in that time,  but they always felt fake some how. Fast forward about a year and life seems good.  I had a boyfriend,  a near enough stable social life and good grades.  I recover from a dip in my results and get back on track.  My mental health problems seem distant.  I still hate myself but I have other ways to cope.  Then she comes along.  I refuse to name her because I don't want to throw her under the bus.  We were extremely close.  She was my best friend,  the love of my life, everything.  It all went down hill from there.  She did more harm than good.  She agreed when I made self deprecating jokes,  forced me to talk about others behind their backs and took illegal drugs when I'd made her promise not to.  I started self harming again after that.  She didn't care.  She didn't stop me.  She sat back as I fell into the cycle of pain.  When I was at my weakest, she used me.  She used me as an experiment.  She kissed me,  played with my feelings,  told me she loved me,  then said it didn't mean anything. I got mad, but took her back after a month because I missed her,  and still fucking loved her. All through that time I had therapy session after therapy session,  trying to break what she'd done to me. I found my best friend (my horse) and life was like it was when we'd first became friends,  before she destroyed me. About a month later,  she left me at a Panic!  Concert to smoke weed,  then complained at me after she lost me in a crowd and said I wasn't there for her when she fainted after I told her to wait while I took a piss.  I was so angry and upset that I couldn't properly recover or function.  I broke off our friendship and haven't looked back since.  I talked everything over with a therapist and started to make my recovery.  On the way,  I reconnected with Autumn.  At first,  I thought she only came to me when no one else was there. I later found out that she did actually care about me and wanted to be my friend,  and we've been good,  if not best, friends ever since. Ever since we became close again,  I've been clean.  She's been such a good friend and helped me through everything. She's been so supportive of me and stops me from being self destructive. Now I'm here,  still self loathing and I think about self harm often,  but I stay clean.  I stay clean because I know I don't just hurt myself when I do that,  I hurt the people I care about. 

End of trigger warning

My experience and feelings influenced the things Otabek thought during that chapter.  Most of his thoughts were directly taken from my own. 

It hurt to write that chapter in all honesty,  and it hurt to write this one too.  If any of you guys reading this related to my story or the last chapter, please Dm me,  or go to someone for help.  It really isn't good to feel that way.  My life changed when I found a friend I could trust,  a therapist I could talk to and a thing I could love unconditionally (my horse).  It hurt me so much to feel that way,  and to think of anyone else in that situation just feels awful.  No one deserves that sort of mental torture,  a pain so hard to get rid of it feels like death is the only way out.  Well it's not.  I escaped it,  so can you.  Yes,  I still have days where I see a piece of sharp plastic and I almost have to physically restrain myself,  yes I have days when I think I'm an ugly, fat piece of shit that needs to die, but I don't act on it.  I have people and things to live for,  and so do you. After you initially break the cycle,  you will have days when you want to go back into that cycle of self destruction and hate to hide from everything,  but all that does is cause pain.  It causes pain to attempt to hide more pain.

Don't live like that,  because that's not living. I should know.  I've lived the last three months away from that lifestyle,  and I've felt much better because of it.  I've had time to truly reflect on life,  do what I want to do,  and be happy.

I really hope you understand the point of these two chapters.

~Arrow