There's A Reason - A Larry Stylinson Love Story

Chapter 26 - Feel The Guilt

We were both hurt, very badly. Neither of us wanted to admit everything we’d done wrong. The difference between us was that Louis could forgive and forget, and I didn’t seem to be able to do that.

I spent most of my time either in my room or at the kitchen table the next day, thinking. I’d gotten what I wanted, hadn’t I? Louis had told me he loves me. He’d made sure I knew that he was going to be there for me and was willing to fight for me. He may not understand the hurt I was feeling, but he had a good portion of it for himself. What was missing that I couldn’t forgive him for?

Liam noticed my silence and thoughtfulness. Two days after Louis and I’s fight, he made me get out of the house for a while. He was worried that I was going to drive myself insane. I didn’t tell him he didn’t have to worry; I was already insane.

I sat on the beach, listening to the waves rolling in and out. It was peaceful here, no boys interrupting or paparazzi following me. I’d managed to get out without a single person noticing, which was always good. Liam texted me telling me to come back whenever I felt like it.

I knew I was being a right idiot. There was no reason for me to be mad at Louis any longer. I was the one who couldn’t accept that we both made mistakes, but it was over now and we finally had the chance to be everything both of us dreamed of. We could take that chance, but instead I was here on my own.

A few hours later I got up and brushed the sand off my bum. Sitting here had done nothing for me other than calm my frazzled mind, so I might as well go home.

Walking in the door, I couldn’t hear anyone home. There was a note stuck to the table.

Harry,

Niall and I are going out. I promised I’d buy him dinner and he’s nagging at me to take him already. Zayn’s flown back home to visit his mum and sis. Louis says he has a surprise for you, so when you read this go find him.

We’ll be back later. Please try not to hurt Lou; he doesn’t deserve it. I don’t know why you haven’t made up with him yet. Niall’s been talking to him and he’s getting quite depressed because he doesn’t know what he can do to change your mind. I know you’re stubborn, but this is a little far. Just think about what you’re doing to the poor boy.

-       Liam

 

He could’ve just texted me that or called me quickly, but I guess he felt he should write me a letter. I felt so guilty. I didn’t want to hurt my Boo, but I was so confused. I had to figure out my own feelings before I could forgive him. It made no sense why I was still angry.

Shoving the note in my pocket, I dropped my keys on the counter and trudged upstairs, since there was obviously nobody downstairs. I really needed to work things out with Louis; it was killing me to stay away from him although I was still hurting.

I rapped my knuckles against his door. “Boo? You in there?”

A shuffling noise came form inside. “Yeah,” he replied gruffly. 

“Can I come in?”

“NO!” His shout came immediately. Oh no, something was wrong with him and it was probably my fault. I could feel the guilt coming back.

“What’s wrong, Boobear?” I asked, more gently this time. I heard a sigh.

“Don’t act like you care.”

That was harsh. He doubted that I cared for him? I told him I loved him and he doubted me? I felt a pang in my chest.

That was it. I had to show him that I did care. I slipped my hand around the doorknob and turned the handle. The door was unlocked, so it swung open smoothly.

I strode across the room. It was dark inside, since Louis hadn’t turned on the lights. He was crunched up on his bed, head stuffed into a pillow. No wonder his voice sounded a bit off. Every few seconds I could see his body trembling, and I thought I could hear the sniffles that were the result of a good cry.

Sitting on the edge beside him, I rolled him over. I was right; he had obviously been crying. The guilt was eating me up; I wanted to forgive him so badly. I just couldn’t bring my heart to fully heal.

He stared up at me. “Why did you come in? I told you not to.” A stray tear ran down his face.

I reached out and wiped the tear with my thumb. “Since when have I listened? I know when you’re upset, Boo. We’ve known each other too long not to notice. Why would you think I don’t care?” He shook with a silent sob, and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, pulling him into me.

He was tense in my arms, not even laying his head on my chest. I sighed, knowing this was my entire fault. But I had no idea how to fix it.

“Y-you said you love me, but you never came for me. I was waiting up here, Haz. I thought you were going to finally realize what you were doing to me and give in. But you never came. I never saw you here. Today, you weren’t even in the house. I know I promised you I’d wait and fight for you, but it’s so hard, Harry. It’s so hard to force myself not to run into your arms every time I see you, or smash my lips to yours. It’s so hard knowing I can’t come to you when I have something important to talk about, because you won’t listen.”

He felt that way? All this time of me thinking how selfish I was being angry, and he wasn’t even upset that I hadn’t forgiven him? He was just upset I wasn’t here with him. God, I was stupid.

I placed my head on his shoulder, thinking of what to say. I knew I needed to tell him why I couldn’t forgive him. He hadn’t done anything wrong; it was me who had issues. But it was so hard to find the words to say when I didn’t know how I was feeling myself. So I just stopped planning and let my thoughts flow out.

“I know I’ve been hurting you. Heck, I know you’re dying inside. But I’ve been going completely insane and I didn’t want to hurt you more by saying something I would regret. My feelings are twisted right now. I know I love you, more than any words could ever describe. You’re the sun in my universe, Boo. I can’t figure out why I can’t just move on. We already admitted the hidden thoughts and feelings that were driving us apart. We love each other, and you’re ready to forgive me and give me what I’ve been dreaming of, a relationship with you. But there’s something in me that just won’t forget. I’m trying so hard to see what’s wrong, but I just can’t. I don’t know how to fix it. The one thing I do know right now is it’s killing me to see you in so much pain and know that I caused it.”

He looked up at me, letting his hands fall from rubbing his eyes. “We’ve both been total idiots, Haz, haven’t we? We’ve both been jumping to conclusions about each other and how we’re feeling.”

“You’re right. I do want this chance I have with you. I just need to figure out what’s been stopping me.”

“I’ll be here, Hazzabear. Like I always have been. You can trust me.” My eyes filled with tears. He was so sweet and caring. Why wouldn’t my heart just forgive him already?

“So we’re good?” I asked, smiling weakly down at him.

He pecked my lips, surprising me. “We’re good. I’ll let you figure yourself out, but please don’t leave me again. I can’t take it. You’re my Hazzabear.”

“I won’t, Boobear. Not ever.” We smile at each other, for real this time.

This feeling was incredible. It felt like I was burning from head to toe. I knew it wasn’t over yet; we still had pieces of our relationship to work on. Mostly my mental problems. But it was a step closer to perfection, and that was good enough for me. I had my Boo back.

“I love you, Boo,” I murmured.

“I love you too, Hazza.”