Summertime (Frerard)

38: I Want To Hate You Half As Much As I Hate Myself

There was only one word to describe what I'd done, and that word was nothing more than fucking stupid. There was nothing more to it than that - it was just stupid. It wasn't empowering, it wasn't aggressive, it wasn't naive, it wasn't wrong, it just wasn't anything more than stupid - the action didn't deserve anything more than that word, and I didn't disagree at all.

It was of course my fault and sympathy was something I really shouldn't find myself expecting, but forgiveness was what I was craving, even with the blatant unworthiness of my case. I always seemed to persevere in the wrong direction. Perhaps it was even getting funny now.

But it really wasn't. It was just getting the sad disappointed looks from everyone I knew as I came to recognise just what I'd done and just how I'd become the epitome of everything I didn't want to be.

He'd done this too.

He, meaning he. The man that didn't even deserve the title genetics warranted him.

I had punched Gerard, I'd physically fucking hurt him and that was only something he would do, and something he would do to me. Perhaps it was to be expected in the end - like father, like son, as they say, but I couldn't help but laugh at the irony that Mikey had spent all too much time warning me about Gerard and far too little warning me about myself.

I'd fucked it all up this time and I could do nothing but accept that fact.

I left after it happened, I just kept walking - I didn't even utter a word to anyone, I just walked on in a straight line until I finally hit a road and caught a bus back to town. I couldn't go back to my house and back to him in a state like this at all, and in fact, the long I stayed away, the more he seemed to be complacent with accepting the fact that I didn't exist at all, and that worked in my favour for once.

I ended up curling up underneath my tree in the woods, deciding it was best to stay here and hide from humanity until I regained the courage to face the world again, or most likely, died of something. Perhaps the latter wouldn't be all that bad, you know, perhaps I deserved it now.

Because Gerard was so fucking important and it would of course be a blatant lie to say he hadn't done wrong, but in no way did he deserve this - in no way did anyone deserve this, and in the same way that I didn't deserve this from my father and deserved to be rid of him, he didn't deserve this from me, and I was just doing him a favour by leaving him here.

We hadn't exactly specified all that much but I guessed that a punch was a rather brutally physical way of saying that it was over, and I guessed that by now he'd got the message, or even better, had made his own decision.

And I hoped for his sake that it was that he left me alone from now on, for his own sake rather than mine, because if he asked for a second chance I'd give it him within seconds, because I wanted him back and it was so hard to think of his rights before my own sanity.

I couldn't help but wonder who stormed in after I stormed off and found him like that, I wondered who pieced it all together and hated myself more than Gerard or I did. I bet it was Mikey, perhaps I even hoped it was Mikey, because with Mikey seeing sense he'd be sure to assure Gerard of it and ensure that he didn't try and get me back or make another even more ridiculous decision.

It was getting suitably dark now and I began to wonder what would happen if I died out here, I began to wonder what would happen if I never left these woods, and as I continued to think, the idea became both furthermore insane and of course furthermore enticing.

All of this, deep down felt like a sickeningly bad idea, but I knew it was the best one I'd had in ages, because I couldn't be like him and I just couldn't let myself get away with this one.