Summertime (Frerard)

45: When It's Just The Two Of Us, I Could Die

His eyes were on mine yet no words were spoken: all our feelings conveyed insufficiently via the manner of the gazes of cowards and people who were too in love with one another to ever truly leave, even when things had turned just this sour.

He'd stopped the car by now and we'd turned off into a small back road, hoping that we were out of the road enough as not to get run over or something. I was worried that we'd get found here, but Gerard had muttered something about it being dark and that they were incredibly stupid, and I'd taken his word for it, watching him in silent relent as he sat outside back to a nearby tree, smoke drawn from the stick he held between his fingers, and I reckoned I could watch him forever like that, because despite the circumstance, he looked peaceful, perhaps even happy.

Beautiful though, most definitely beautiful and this almost reminded me of when he was just some asshole in the woods that I hated and we weren't tripping other each others feet in the shit that we'd caused and simply out of curiosity too. It really seemed that curiosity did indeed kill the cat.

I should have left by now and I knew that all too well, but there was just something about him and just something about us that made me sicken enough to really want to hold onto. It was a stupid thing, and a stupid decision for sure, and of course one that could only be justified with some bullshit about love, but I reckoned that I'd never be truly able to completely erase Gerard from my life, even if I wanted to.

We're were just too involved in each other and each other's lives by now, and not just in that way, because I could never just get up and leave, ignoring Gerard for the rest of my existence, because I could never stop caring, not really. Even if not about Gerard, I’d still worry about Mikey and his mother, and with Mikey and I being somewhat friends that just made things incredibly difficult, and I wondered what Mikey would have to say at school next week after the break when I never arrived. At least school was over in a few weeks and it was nearly summertime.

I kind of liked the summer in a stupid, almost stereotypical way, mainly it was memories of my mother and how in the summer and the sunshine everything just seemed to be okay, but it never really was okay, was it? And those dreams I kept having certainly weren't helping. Furthermore, Gerard was definitely suspicious that I wasn't quite all I seemed, and perhaps he was right, but not quite he the way he thought.

I didn’t kill my parents; my dad's still alive, somewhere, drinking himself dead and denying my existence, my mother however is, and it's slowly began to strike me as weird that I never really knew why. I mean, I didn't ask, of curse, we just didn't talk about it, and I was little, but now, I came to realise that I never did find out why and how my mother died, and of course the very thought was wreaking havoc upon my already unstable mind.

"You alright, Frankie?" The redhead approached me, having finished his cigarette and made his way back to the vehicle I sat in, door open, mind elsewhere. His eyes met mine, filling with concern as I made no immediate response and most certainly none of reassurance. "I'm sorry, I..." He panted out all heavy breathing and wild eyes moving erratically.

"I'm okay, Gee. I just... I... just fuck this is all too much, and I... why the fuck did you have to do this? It was fucking stupid, you know that right? Now both of our lives are fucking messed up forever, you get that don't you, or don't you just fucking love this, huh?" I stood up, temper raising as our gazes met, Gerard scowling at me, at first playing innocently with the furrowed brows before he finally shot back his response, and innocence was most certainly long gone.

"Then fucking go." He snapped back the most obvious yet never considered response, not even flinching as he spoke. "Fucking go, Frank - leave, go on." He pushed me back against the metal of the car, showing me he was serious, and fuck, he couldn’t do that.