Book Reviews [closed]

The Consequence for Bitterness, By JustMiah17

Review for JustMiah17 !

Prologue
The prologue reminded me of a children's fantasy picture book, or a children's fairytale book. You could improve the prologue by making a hook- something to grab the readers attention, leaving the reader wanting to read more and more.

Here's the google definition of a hook in a story so you can understand it:

A narrative hook (or hook) is a literary technique in the opening of a story that "hooks" the reader's attention so that he or she will keep on reading. The "opening" may consist of several paragraphs for a short story, or several pages for a novel, but ideally it is the opening sentence.

Characters
I liked the characters and everyone really had great personalities and things about them that set them apart from everyone else. To make them more well rounded, show some things they would do or say that shows their personality rather than saying it all the time.

Dialogue
With the dialogue it often felt like there was some sort of narrator that was reading the story to me rather than me myself reading it because you would switch from third person to first person so much, so you could either decide on only one or not narrate as much to help make it feel realistic.

I kept seeing you constantly put "[insert characters name] shrugged" or "[insert characters name] laughed" right after someone spoke. This could get readers confused as to who is currently speaking, so try to keep it organized.

Examples:

#1    Turn this:

"Really Daddy?"

He chuckled and nodded assuredly.

#2    Turn this:

Into this:
"Who's this, daddy?"

Her father smiled at her.

#3    Turn this:

Into this:
"The matron told us that you're one of the oldest kids here. How do you like it here?"

Darryn shrugged.

Plot
The plot generally had a good rising action, climax and falling action. The plot of it provided everything that it needed, which is a good sign.

Flow
For most of the story it was a predictable fantasy story, and I could predict what would happen for most of the actually important events. Work on building up the scenes and revealing things little by little, but still fast enough. Make the events be revealed naturally, and fast but not rushing. I also like how you added "4 years later" and "3 years later" and little headings like that to keep it all smoothly going.

Spelling/ Vocabulary
The spelling was decent and so was the vocabulary. Don't forget to switch certain words up so it makes it seem like you can confidently say that you know what you're talking about!

Description
The description of things were pretty clear and it was average. When you describe things in the story don't forget to add detail to it, you can compare the certain thing/things you're describing with metaphors as well.

Story in general/ concept
The concept is pretty cool but I just think because of some factors, it wouldn't make sense. For example, since there's a king and a queen in the story and they live in a huge castle, they'd most likely be rich so theyd be able to afford an actual bodyguard to protect Jessika rather than Darryn live with them for all these years just to train him to protect her. That didn't really connect with everything else in the story, because it seemed like they just let a random person (in this case, it was Darryn) into their home, and none of it was really ever about the bodyguard part.

Also I get that since Jessika is about 8 years old in the beginning of the story, you have to make Darryn a similar age to her for them to be friends/ to have a good wattpad romance story. This is fine but in my opinion I think you could've just started the story where Jessika's around 17 and Darryn is maybe 19 and he's a pretty well trained bodyguard, and he gets hired to protect her.

Pros:
-Spelling & vocabulary
-Description
-Plot

Cons:
-Introduction/prologue
-Concept
-Dialogue was unorganized