Book Reviews [closed]

Crimes in Disguise, By Azeru_Prince

Review for Azeru_Prince !

Introduction
First of all, you should format it better. The lengths were different each chapter, so fix it to make it somewhat equal. Keep the word count you write for each chapter consistent. Not only that, but you also had a tendency to write separate, choppy sentences instead of spaced out short paragraphs. You can group some of the sentences to make them not choppy- just make it make sense. The way you wrote it was, one single sentence, and then you indented for every single sentence you wrote, which made it so hard to read.

Now, the actual introduction was decent but it seemed unrealistic. Right off the bat, you introduced the main characters, a group of 9 teenagers who have stolen millions of dollars from banks yet not one of them has gotten caught. That alone doesn't feel like it could happen in real life.

In the first chapter you kept switching point of views. The sentences below are good examples of this. It was like you switched up to where you were talking directly to the readers, which you shouldn't have been because you were writing in 3rd POV from the start. Remember, first point of view is when the character is talking as if they're inside the story (uses I/I'm/I am), second point of view is when the author talks straight to the readers (uses you/your/you're), and third point of view is the perspective of the author, when they're outside of the story, narrating the characters actions (uses they/they're/he/she). If you choose to write in 3rd POV, then you should keep it that way instead of sloppily switching over to 2nd POV. Never switch point of views unless you state that you are going to in the actual story.

Turn this:

Into this:
The police on the other hand, had lost to a teenage boy, who just robbed three million dollars. Robin speeded up until the gas gradually ran out. He took a sharp left turn, where he and nine other teenage boys hung out. They called it the Phoenix's Base, a house where they all hung out and lived.

I think you should also think about adjusting the setting to fit with the story. If the group of 9 teenagers supposedly lived in a mansion owned by the leader, why would they still be stealing money? You could adjust the setting and turn the mansion into a more subtle house. I thought the mansion was a bit over the top, because if they're a group of teenagers, in reality they most likely wouldn't live in a mansion owned by a random person they haven't even met.. they would at least know the owner.

Dialogue
The dialogue wasn't bad, but it was so simple. The characters sounded monotone and robotic whenever they talked, which isn't necessarily a good thing, especially because the dialogue was more than about half of the story.

Turn this:

Into this:
"So, what car are you deciding to drive, Zach?" Peter asked.

They all went to the garage, ready to determine what they would drive.

"Leo, you go ahead and drive the Ferrari. I'm exhausted of driving," Robin said, throwing the car keys to Leo. He hopped inside the car, waiting for Leo to get in with him.

Turn this:

Into this:
The girl tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, and glared at them.

"I'll see you around, Phoenix League," the mysterious girl whispered quietly. She then walked away in the opposite direction.

"Uh... what did she say?" Ryan confusingly asked Peter.

"I have no idea, she whispered something at the end... it's probably nothing though," Peter shrugged.

Plot
Take into consideration what makes a good plot. Break down the elements. With your story, it seemed like you just wrote down a bunch of random fighting scenes and plot twists, but it doesn't become a plot twist if it's not surprising. It was predictable, therefore, it wasn't surprising. Other things affected the plot too. For example, since I didn't know much about the characters personalities, I couldn't connect with them and understand them, so they all sounded the same. I forgot which one was which at times, which impacted the plot. And when you revealed that Scarlett was the Phoenix prince, it wasn't a surprise because you kept mentioning her earlier in the story.

Characters/ character development
When the characters were first introduced in the first chapter they were so bland and boring. I'm not gonna lie, it felt like you chose nine random generic male names off of google and in the end you just stuck with them. What I think you should do is properly introduce the characters in the first chapter rather than doing it later on so it's not as messy. Don't overdo it but simply tell something about their personalities and their morals, rather than only their names and what "group" they belong in. All of this would amount to about a short paragraph or so, but that one paragraph would make a huge difference.

And Scarlett was a decent character but like all of them, she was one sided and bland. This is just a side note, but I didn't understand how Scarlett was only 14 years old, and most of the other characters were 16-17 and they were flirting with her. You narrated that they thought she was cute and wanted to go out with her, which is a tad bit creepy if they're 17 and she's 14.

As for the character development, it wasn't as complex as it could've been, but then again not every good story mainly focuses on characters developing and growing as humans. But I felt like your story desperately needed character development, and change, because some characters had dark pasts and acted negatively. Character development can be so much as a character going through an easy obstacle and learning from it, or a character trying to be a better person. No matter how small or big it is, it will impact your story.

Overall
As a whole, your story needs a lot of work but it isn't the worst thing I've read. Just remember to proofread your writing and spell check. And I usually never make comments on the summaries, because they're not really a part of the book, (they're just there when you click on the story) but your summary was just perfect. It was the only part of your book that didn't have many flaws. It didn't give away too many major details, and it left me wanting to read more so good job on that.

Pros:
-Overall

Cons:
-Characters/ Character Development
-Introduction
-Dialogue