Book Reviews [closed]

Her Secret, By Alyssa_Evangeline

Review for Alyssa_Evangeline, !

Grammar/Punctuation
Just like with your other story you need to practice putting periods in places where you keep putting commas. If you have a comma somewhere, replace it with a period.

Examples:

Turn this:

Into this:
"We walk to my car and we both get in. I slam the door shut then turn on the radio, and Athena does the same and puts her seatbelt on as well."

Turn this:

Into this:
"Sunshine, you don't have to tell me if you're not ready. You make me feel things I've never felt before, and I like the way you make me feel. I have things I'm scared to tell you too. Regardless, I won't leave you. That's a promise I'm willing to make," I confess as she kisses me again.

Prologue/Introduction
To me, the so called prologue didn't seem like a prologue at all. You could've called it a short summary or something like that. It was choppy and it was too straightforward for my taste. Right off the bat, you said things like "Athena is an average 18 year old girl. She has a mother and no father. She gets bullied." which was kind of unnecessary. I know the main focus in the story is about her secret but if we're being real, bullying in real life is actually a serious problem which gets overlooked at and normalized, which I feel like is what you did in this part of your so called prologue.

When I actually read the story I saw that you did a good job showing Athena being bullied, but the prologue was bland and choppy and didn't make a good first impression. My advice on how to fix it is that I honestly think you shouldn't even have a prologue, and if you do want to have one, don't make it so blunt.

The introduction was messy but it was okay to say the least. You tend to have this thing where you put a bunch of the main characters information for the very first thing, like their whole life story, what they've been through, their future plans, and then you casually continue the story. All in all, it makes it predictable so don't put it all in a jumbled paragraph.