give her love » james potter

42

It doesn't stop coming.

There's been exactly five more since the first two and it crushes me. Every time I open one, I can't help but get a bit hopeful, but then the cold water of rejection splashes me back to reality. It's not good for me, it honestly has resulted in many late-night cries and a feeling that if I don't spend every single minute in the library my life will be over.

So, the library is the only place is find shelter in nowadays because even when I'm not doing anything, it feels like I am doing something. So, that's 'gotta count for something.

Today, Remus has decided to join me.

He wants to be a teacher. To sort of educate the future of our country and make sure we continue to progress instead of regress into old habits and beliefs. He even has this I-want-to-change-the-world attitude, that reminds me of my dad. But, it's not as easy as just applying and getting the job for him. There's something that always keeps him fulfilling his dream.

See, when the boys talk about Remus, there's always this air of secrecy that comes with it. It's mixed into something protective because there's some big thing about him that I'm not aware of. His future is an uncomfortable topic for them, they always make these lame jokes about him teaching some very boring class and their kids hating him but, it's just filled with strained smiles and a topic change seconds later.

Respecting boundaries? Oh, I'm great at that because I know better about those than anyone, but I'm dying to know. To be let into this secret that's so well kept that I'm sure nobody else has really even noticed. I promise I'm not that nosy, just a little curious.

"Are you ever gonna' tell me," I ask.

Remus knows what I'm talking about the second I ask and he pauses, thinking about it for a long time. "I will," he says finally. "I just need some more time."

I nod, then look down at my papers which have doodles all over them. It reminds me of the time when I was in love with Remus like a quarter of the school still is, "Wanna' here something funny?"

"I'd love to."

"I used to have the biggest crush on you," I tell him, grinning because now that we're friends it's funny to think of all the little things that I'd romanticized about him have just become so, normal.

He looks surprised and I realize, James never said a thing. He'd known about the little crush and had even teased me about it on multiple occasions, yet, he never told Remus. He grows red but is smiling. "Good one, you almost got me there, Lina."

"I'm serious," I protest, trying to convince him because he can't stop laughing now. "I even tried that dark chocolate you always eat because I hoped you'd see me eating and strike up some conversation."

"Nobody buys that chocolate except me and most of the time I can't even stand it," he finally says, stopping his laughter. "You were in deep, then."

"Yes, you were the Mariana Trench and I was just some lonely sailboat that wasn't built very well."

"That was a bizarre analogy," he says.

I shrug. "I was trying out some new material," then frown, "should I cross that one off?"

He leans in and writes it on my paper, "No, I actually quite like that," he says. "It reminds me of when I wanted to be a marine biologist."

"You went through that phase too?"

Remus frowns. "If I had a sickle for every time someone's said that . . . I'd have two," he shrugs, "which isn't a lot but isn't it weird that it's happened twice?"