Infidelity

36

As soon as I'm discharged and given all the strict instructions, the very much obnoxious Sandile could give me, I decide adamantly to go and see the jailbird. My jailbird.

I couldn't care any less about Sandile's judgemental eyes. I wanted to break up with him properly and explain everything but I decided against because I strongly feel that I always gave more. I always put him, his needs and his wants first but he still accuses me of wronging him.

He needs to grow up. And I need to face my dad but for now, I need my fix. Just setting my sights on him is more than enough, I can't ask for too much. I'm already his curse and his punishment and yet he still can't get enough of me.

**

The entire 'security check ' process is a blur. Everything becomes clear and yet it's all distant when I'm sitting infront of him. He draws in air as if this is the last time he will see me. I can tell he's shocked but this involuntary reaction from him throws me off.

I part my lips slightly. Damnit! I'm more parched than I thought.

"What are you doing here?" He's breathless.

"You don't want me here?" I furrow my eyebrows to accentuate my confusion.

"Of course... I want you...I..." He runs his face with his hands. I can see the stress lines on the sides of his eyes. Even the vein on his forehead is slightly popping.

"You look tired, still breathtaking." He compliments and I look away. "I thought you...chose him."

I feel offended by his assumptions.

"I couldn't. Even if you and him were to decide that on my behalf..."

"I don't want my child to know that I'm a monster." I can see the tears lurking in his eyes.

"I don't care. I'd rather you know your children and know you as you are, instead of feeding them lies." I tell him.

"Children." There's a glimmer of hope in his teary eyes. I know what his thinking and I know I should nip his thoughts in the bud.

"Twins." I inform him. My words cut deep and they kill his hope.

I knowledge of his thoughts and hopes adds more weight to my guilt. He still wants more. He is still hanging on to the hope that I will somehow learn to love him. He's hoping that the children will bring us closer.

"Will you manage." His voice is low.

"Yes. I will..." I sigh. "Keletso, we agreed..."

"Yes. I know!" He is gritting his teeth. "I know okay. Could you please stop reminding me at every turn. It is torture, to be so close to you and not be able to touch you. I did not wish to love ..."

"I know, you wished to sell me to the highest bidder and not care if I die in the process." I give him an unpleasant smile.

"But I care. I do. I love you and it is my curse and my punishment for all of my wrongs. I love you more than I cherish my own life. You're the centre piece. You're the gravity and the air that breathe. Now the mother of my precious children."

His declaration should mean something. Maybe if I was still naive and gullible I would be swooning. But I feel nothing. All I want is what I want and I know it doesn't involve feelings.

"I can only love you but I cannot claim something that doesn't want to be claimed. I'll take what I can get." He says and my attention is spiked.

"What do you mean?" I feign ignorance.

"You're not here because you missed me." It is not a question and the statement sets my body on fire. He has shed off his vulnerability and he's now flirting.

"I think I liked you better when you were all mushy from the feelings." I don't want to admit that he's right.

"You're not here for feelings Africa. Please stop lying to yourself." The look in his eyes has changed. It has now been replaced by lust and I don't know I how long I'll be able to maintain my resolve.

"Can you do something for me?" He asks.

"Yes." My throat is dry.

"Could you please stop saying his name. It's annoying since I'm the one who takes you where he never will." He demands it.

"I will if you stop mentioning him in my presence and also stop comparing yourself to him." My reply earns me a smile from him.

"So should I make the arrangements?"

"What?"

"Africa. You're a law practitioner. I'm sure you're well aware of conjugal visits." He laughs at me.

"I know. I just never thought I'd have sex in prison." I scrunch up my face.

"What, you thought we'd go to a hotel or something?"

"Well, don't you have connections?"

"You only want me to be a criminal when it suits you." He scoffs.

"You already are."

"Please leave!" He abruptly stands and leaves me sitting there.

***

I find myself standing infront of Sphe's door. I've been standing here for a while now not knowing what to do.

The door opens and her stomach peers through first.

"Hey..." I say awkwardly.

"Hey. What's wrong?" She asks me.

"Why would you think that something's wrong." I chuckle nervously.

"Well you're here." She rakes me with her eyes.

"He wants me to have sex with him in prison." I quickly blurt out. "I know I want to but it's prison."

Her response is a slap on my face. It burns.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't manhandle you because you're pregnant and fragile. But what the hell?" The hand she used to slap me with is on her chest.

"WTF Sphe?"

"You need to wake up and smell the shit!" Each word is accompanied by a clap of hands.

"I ..."

"You are going to be a mother, act like it. Fix yourself. Talk to people that will put some sense into that sex hungry mind of yours." She scolds me.

I honestly didn't come here for judgement. I don't know why I came here in the first place so I leave.