Infidelity

45

He looks at me and I look at him. We're both phases by our bewilderment. We're both breathing through our moths heavily. It's the only sound in the room.

"Call a doctor!" I scream at him.

He just stares at me.

"Call the bloody doctor Keletso!"

"I can't."

"What do you mean you can't?!" A sharp pain pulls my belly downward and stand with my feet apart screaming.

"We're not really supposed to be here..." He looks like he wants to run away.

"Unless you're prepared to deliver these babies, I suggest you do something and...ahhhhh" I kneel on the floor and do breathing exercises.

"I don't know what to do." He slowly moves away from me.

"Fuuuuck youuuhhh." I begin sobbing. "This is all your fault!"

"Just breathe. I'll. I'll think of something." He scratches his head, obviously clueless.

"Don't you dare fucking tell me to breathe. How could you say that about my mother." I bite into the sheets and continue with my wailing.

"I just didn't know what to say. As much as you don't believe it, loving you hurts."

His emotions can pour out as blood for all I care. Right now there's nothing he can say to try and melt me or make me see reason. His kids are showing me hell already.

"You think it doesn't hurt me?! All this effort, everyone against you but I am here, trying to be whatever you need but you tell me that my mother is de...Ahhhh" I make a downward dog pose on the floor and shift to a baby pose when a new kind of pain arises.

"I didn't mean to..."

"Hurt me? Because you think I do it on purpose. I don't know what is wrong with me..." The tone of my crying aligns with the pain.

"Please don't cry. I'm sorry. I was stupid. I was wrong."

"I've been crying for over ten minutes and you're only noticing now." I lie on my side, breathing heavily. "Just call your guy and arrange something."

"My guy?! Of course." His light bulb finally lights up and searches for his phone in his pockets.

I can barely hear anything as I slowly succumb to the pain. The light above my are a blur but I can feel them on the side of my face as I am rushed to what I assume is ward. It hurts so much I can't scream anymore.

**

After a lot of pushing and screaming; blood, sweat and tears, two beautiful babies are born. A boy and a girl I'm told. I'm too out of it to be aware of anything.

I fall into a deep sleep.

Upon waking up, Keletso is by my bedside. By his reaction I can tell he was anxious.

"You're awake." There's a panic evident in his tone.

"Who did you bribe to be here." My energy is at its lowest and yet I'm still keen on picking a fight.

He draws a deep breath and lets it out slowly. He's clearly exhausted and I'm just exasperating him.

"You're still mad," he says calmly.

"Now you're decided my feelings for me."

"You have to rest." He instructs me.

"Just like my dead mother." The pain creeps up on me slowly, stinging my eyes.

"I didn't mean..." He sighs. "I'll just leave." He gets up from his chair and eyes me expectantly.

What? You're hoping I'm going to beg you to stay?

I scoff.

"Yeah leave just like she did. I'd rather you left than die, because she is not dead she left." My anger rises rapidly along with my breathing.

"I'm sorry." He stops but doesn't look at me.

"Just go!" I shout at him. "Don't come back."

He balls his hands into fits. Swallowing his words, he leaves.

**

I wake up in a different room. Less dingy but still a medical facility. My father and twin sister are sitting on either side of my bed. Sphe is at the end of the bed.

I smile at her and tears threaten to betray my smile.

"Hey new mom!" Great. She's back to being loud again. I miss her when she was pregnant.

"Where are the kids anyway. Imagine telling them they were born in a prison and they have a jailbird for a dad." I cover my face with both my hands.

"They're okay. You'll see them soon." My sister informs me.

"One at a time please," I say behind my hands.

I look at my father and everything goes blank. I just don't know what to think of him.

"Sphe, could you give us a moment, please." I plead with my eyes even though she didn't show any signs of protesting.

She leaves.

"Dad where's Mom?" I question him as soon as I've gone over the topic in my mind.

"Africa, no." Azania admonishes me but I'm not having it.

"I told you she left." There's not a single flaw in his performance.

"Any idea where she might have went, heaven perhaps?" Tears prick my eyes but I hold them back.

"Africa!"

"Shut up Azania! Or maybe you were in on it too." I look at my father. "The lies."

"It's that boy, he's filling you up with nonsense." There are no cracks on my father's walk no matter how powerful the water is. He still intends on standing firm and strong.

"It's always a boy with you! Can you guys just start taking responsibility for your own actions and stop blaming it on Keletso. Atleast he owns up to his own shit." I never thought I'd swear at my own father but right now I can't even look at him.

"There's nothing to own up to. I raised you..."

"I'd rather you didn't. I'd rather... I'd rather I was dead like her." I'm all heavy, rapid breaths and tears.

"You don't mean that." He's angry but I see no reason for his anger.

"Dad, what is she talking about?" Azania asks him. She's a bit skeptical.

"It's nothing." He purses his lips.

"It's everything. Atleast tell us how she died or where she was burried." I wipe my tears and look away.

"The money." Azania's voice breaks. "The money that came out of nowhere. You cashed in on the policies." The shock shakes her entire body and she loses her balance. She grabs onto the bed before settling on the edge of her chair.

"It's not. She. Well." He scrambles for the right words. "She hanged herself. I couldn't tell you that. Not after what you guys had witnessed."

Tears defeat all of us.

"So you decided to bury her without us knowing?" I ask him.

"Were you going to take that secret to the grave?" Azania asks him with her face burried within the sheets.

"I was going to tell you, I just didn't know how."

"You made us hate her." Azania confesses.

Throughout all this turmoil, I'm glad she felt the same. I've always suspected it but I've carried the burden of the guilt alone. The guilt of hating my mother.