Infidelity

42

Keletso breaks the hug after a while. He  stares deep into my eyes and I stare back. I find myself wishing to see through them and into his mind. I want to posses each corner of it. I want to posses his soul. I am snapped back into reality when I realise that I already do.

I take a deep breath and he draws in a sharp one.

"I've been thinking." He doesn't seem nervous at all. He has all the confidence he used to charm me with and more.

"Okay." I smile and chuckle awkwardly.

"I've got all these resources and I thought about what you said, using them for the greater good."

"You're already doing that. You're protecting us." I try to assure him as much as I can but I'm also aware that he needs no assuring at all. He is himself and this is all he knows. This is how he taught himself to survive as I have taught myself to.

It is hard to break away from the many layers of walls surrounding us, but he is trying. He is a mess when he is outside of it but he is perfect when he is inside. We both function better when we're inside, but there's only one problem. I want us to stay inside. I only desire the perfection of the delusion. I only desire life in a bubble.

It's ironic how much I am judgemental of his criminal activities but they are what attracted me to him. I want to build as many walls around and shut everything out.

"Mother."

The word rings inside of my head and all the walls come tumbling down. It's all rubble and hopelessness.

My lungs begin to inflate. My heart feels like a giant rock on my chest, weighing heavily on my entire body.

"Breathe..." The voice sounds muffled and desperate. He is too far away from me and I want him close.

"Look at me..."

He sounds pained. No, I don't want to hurt him. Why am I hurting him.

I shut my eyes and tears roll down.

Breathe.

I take a deep breath then I let it out slowly. I repeat the process again and again.

I open my eyes and the look in his shatters me.

"What about my mother?" It takes everything in me to say the words without falling apart.

"I want to find her for you."

"You want to find my mother?" I am a mixture of emotions.

Do I really want to find her?

Is it really worth it?

Will she want to see me?

"I'll think about it, I have to go." I get dressed in a rush and I don't even  say goodbye.

***

Again I find myself standing outside of Sphe's doorstep. I don't know what I should do and as always it gets done for me.

The door opens and I almost run away.

"Hi." The man and I stare at each other awkwardly.

On my side it's more gawking than staring.

He looks like he's in his late thirties or probably his early forties. Well groomed and tidy. He must be the professor.

"You must be the professor." I can't hide my shock.

"Please don't tell anyone. It could jeopardize Sphe's career." His request is polite.

"Yes! Yes, of course." I move out of the way to let him pass.

"He was here to see the baby." She's blushing and it makes me suspicious.

"Just the baby?"

"Don't look at me like that?"

"Like how?"

"Those judgemental hypocritical eyes. You went to see him again and that's why you're here," she says.

"Azania." I grunt in annoyance.

"I'm here to see the baby." I tell here.

"She's so cute." Sphe gushes and  just melts away at the mention of her child. I wish I shared the same sentiments. My eyes wander across my belly and I sigh.

She leads me towards the baby's room and linger at the doorway.

"Come on in. She's the cutest thing." Sphe squeals and looks at her baby with so much admiration and adoration.

I approach the cot as if it's going to explode in any minute.

She hands me the baby and I don't know what to do. I don't even know how I should be holding the baby.

"I might drop her." I return the baby to her in a hurry.

"She disarms everyone but you." She points out.

I swallow the lump in my throat with difficulty.

"Are you okay?" She asks me.

"I'm afraid." My hand subconsciously moves over my stomach.

She looks at me with pity and I hate it.

"I should go." I rush out of the room before she can say anything else. I shouldn't be around people. I don't want to be around people.

It's quite ironic as I'm obviously carrying two people with me and I have no idea what I'm doing to do with them.

I think about my mother.

Am I just like her? Honestly I don't know. I don't know anything at all. This is all too much. I can't do it, I won't be able to do it.