Everything in Between

Chapter 29

December 20, 2023

My life had turned into an alternate universe where Zach was no longer my friend, Tom asked me to move in with him, and my mom's cancer had aggressively returned. She was terminal. The doctors said she had approximately less than three years to live. She started chemotherapy treatments, but it wouldn't be to cure her. Instead, it would help relieve her symptoms and improve her quality of life for whatever time she had left. She was dying. There was nothing I could do to stop it.

I held Tom's hand as he drove to the oncologist's office; my mom was in the back seat staring out the window, and all I could think about was how unfair life had become since Reggie and Cece's wedding. Zach had single-handedly broken my heart into a million pieces. It took me months to recover from the final blow to our friendship. I truly believed I'd never feel that kind of gut-wrenching pain again, but then, six months later, my mom found out her cancer had returned, and this time it was terminal. Every day for a year, I felt stuck in a bad dream, and I couldn't breathe enough air into my lungs.

Not having Zach during the darkest period of my life made everything feel so much worse. I couldn't contact him and let him know Mom's cancer was terminal. How could I reach out to him only to ask for his sympathy after so much time had passed? He didn't care about me anymore. He had made that clear the night of the wedding, so how could I reach out to him now when things had become so hopeless between us? Of course, there were days following Cece and Reggie's wedding when I wanted to contact Zach. Of course, there were days when I searched for him on social media and cried alone in my bedroom when I saw his life going on without me. Of course, I looked up flights to California and thought if I showed up there to tell him how sorry I was, how much I missed him, and how much I needed him in my life, things would return to normal. Of course, when I discovered my mom's cancer came back and she was terminal, Zach would've held me in his arms while I cried instead of Tom. And, of course, I didn't tell my mom the truth about what happened between Zach and me because I didn't want to burden her when the only focus needed to be on her and the little amount of time we had left.

With a sigh, I had to accept Zach was no longer in my life, and I was spending the holidays in Ann Arbour with Tom as we transported my mom to and from her chemotherapy appointments. This wasn't the happiest of holidays. I was torn between my career and life in New York versus uprooting my entire life and spending whatever time I had left with my mom in Michigan, even though she insisted and reassured me that my career and life didn't need to suffer because of her. It broke my heart even more that she was so selfless during a time when she needed me. The anticipatory grief I felt caused me to hold on to hope while also beginning to let go and accept her reality. It was the most emotionally debilitating experience of my life.

I soon felt grateful for Tom. This entire year had been hell, but he had been a consistent support and safety net during a time when I needed it the most.

He looked over at me from the driver's seat with a smile. "Did you download a movie for today's IV infusion?"

I look up at him and remove my hand from his, turning to see Mom in the back seat, still staring blankly out the window. "Yes, I downloaded a comedy movie. Does that sound good, Mom?"

She nods but doesn't even turn to look at me. I know she's scared, I'm scared too. She's trying to be strong not only for me but also for herself. She's preoccupied and anxious for her chemotherapy appointment, and I don't blame her for being a nervous wreck. She knows what's about to come. She's been through chemotherapy before, but last time, she had the hope to be cancer-free, and Zach was there to support her. This time, she knows nothing will cure the cancer, and while I've been travelling back and forth from New York to be with her, she's been mostly on her own with the help of my Uncle and Aunt. She also knows these chemo infusions are injected into her veins and bloodstream, lasting a few miserable hours, hence downloading a movie to pass the time. She knows this will cause her fatigue, nausea, hair loss, and mouth sores. She knows she will experience trouble concentrating, nerve issues and muscle soreness. She knows this is only to help ease her pain, and this doesn't change the inevitable: she will die. I can't even imagine what she's going through, knowing how much she is about to suffer and how little control she has over her life.