BLOOM • awsten knight

61

SEPTEMBER 2018

Elle doesn't cry when she watches Awsten leave. She doesn't cry when she realises he's gone home, and isn't in the hall, waiting to turn back.

She stands in the middle of her apartment, staring.

After what feels like forever, she walks to her bedroom, slowly; she's careful with the way she walks, because each sound feels like it echoes, and it hurts her head.

Curling herself up in bed, Elle just lays there, numbly.

When Awsten gets home, he doesn't know whether he wants to throw something or just cry; he goes for the latter.

He stands in the middle of his room for a moment, before his shoulders hunch, and a sob takes over him.

He sits down, curling himself into a ball and buries his face in his hands.

His breathing is uneven, and his body shakes as he cries.

Elle's words are running through his mind, so much that his head aches.

"I know just as much as everyone that follows you on Twitter."

Has he really been keeping her at arms-length this whole time, without realising?

"It won't matter how much you say you wouldn't lie, it doesn't matter how good you are to me."

Awsten doesn't know who to blame; it would be easy to blame it all on Elle, but that would be wrong.

Maybe he didn't know how to love her, so he couldn't; but maybe that's because she wouldn't show him how.

He isn't much better; he didn't show her how to love him either.

He wonders if you could even call it love.

He knows he almost slipped up too many times to count, almost letting the words roll off his tongue, as if it was easy - but he never did.

There were times he thought she might say it, but she never did, either.

"You never tell me where your fucking head is at."

He didn't tell her where his head was at, because he didn't know.

Awsten feels so guilty, that for a moment, he thinks it might swallow him up.

But, he takes a deep breath, and looks up trying to compose himself.

He's angry at Elle, and he's even angrier at himself.

He's angry that they didn't communicate, because maybe if they did, he wouldn't be crying in his bedroom.

"Should I just add you to my nice hall of fame, huh? My nice hall of fame for people who just decide to fuck off."

Her words stung in a way that made Awsten's whole body ache, and he doesn't know how to make it stop.

He didn't realise how much faster things would go down hill after he told her that he was moving; or maybe he did, and that's why he waited for so long.

It's as if they were both holding onto each other so tightly, but with weak hands, and they knew that eventually they would lose their grip.

When Taylor gets home, she knows something is wrong; the apartment is painfully quiet, and if the door wasn't unlocked, she would have thought that Elle wasn't even home.