The Professor's Son

Without You - Part 35

You had never thought about having a child, let alone one with Jaehyun. In all honesty, the idea of having another living, breathing "thing" kicking inside of you, scared the daylights out of you. As you undressed in front of the bathroom mirror, examining the worn out and pale pallor of your face, you wondered whether you would be able to handle the strain of taking care of a little person. After all, taking care of yourself was already hard enough.

You rubbed the bump of your belly, it was small and round, but nothing to be worried about. It certainly didn't look like you were pregnant. Maybe you had missed your period simply due to stress and not eating enough? As these thoughts crossed your mind you quickly shut them down, and convinced yourself that you couldn't possibly be pregnant.

Thinking back to the last time you and Jaehyun had been intimate felt like reaching back into the depths of your hazy memory. It had been weeks ago, before Christmas. That time, everything had gone smoothly and Jaehyun had used a condom, in fact you had always insisted on it. Neither of you could afford to become parents right now, you were far too focused on your university studies and Jaehyun on his architectural internship, so using contraceptives was the most practical action the two of you could take. Your lives seemed to be moving at a million miles per second, and a baby was the last thing neither of you wanted. It would be like a hiccup in the road, or so you thought. But deep down the idea of a baby overwhelmed your heart with a sense of glee.

You imagined a small chubby bundle of joy running around the apartment, eyes wide with excitement, and fascinated with the world. A baby was more than just a growing person, it would be symbolic of the love you and Jaehyun have, a chance to start anew. You pondered whether your baby would have the same dimples as his father, or your beautiful smile and eyes.

As you stepped into the steamy shower you felt yourself loosening up for the first time in days. The frigid hospital air that had dried out your skin and sapped away at your energy no longer surrounded you. Now that you were in your own apartment and space you could finally relax. That was until the reality of the situation sunk in.

The warm stream of water from the showerhead suddenly felt hot and unbearable. The steam rising up into the air suffocated you with each inhale. Your heart raced as your lungs tried to catch up with each strained breath. Your chest heaved as you felt a panic attack coming on. You collapsed onto the tiled shower floor, clutching at your chest.

Your boyfriend was in a coma and you weren't sure if you were pregnant. This was all too much.

A wave of sorrow hit you like a train, a slow building and soul crushing despair, that made you feel numb at the edges of your being, disconnected from life. In this instant you just wanted to shut it all out.

Turning off the shower, you took a shaky step out onto the wicker floor mat. You barely dried yourself with a towel before putting on a robe and collapsing onto the bed.

You rolled over onto your side and spread yourself out, taking up as much space as possible, yet the bed felt cold, vast and empty without Jaehyun's presence. Tears began streaming down your cheeks. You didn't notice until they had left warm dark patches on the bed linen. You shoved your face into Jaehyun's pillow, quietly sobbing.

The soft satin fabric smelt of him. His scent lingered, like a sweet summer's memory, floral yet masculine and woody. You hoped that the smell would never fade, it was the only piece of him you had left.

For a while you lay motionless on the bed, praying that if you stayed still for long enough you would no longer exist and would disappear into thin air. But then you remembered the note Mrs Jeong had given to you. Maybe you could find solace in Jaehyun's words, yet you doubted there would be anything of worth written in the letter.

Jaehyun showed his affection through acts of service to you, he consistently did things to please you and wasn't concerned with words. You had noticed this particular trait of his since he had started becoming your tutor. It was the small things he did, like making you coffee before a tutoring session so you would feel awake, or drafting up study notes for you if you were revising a paticularly difficult topic.

He had said "Words are fickle, they don't last and one day you could say you love me and the next you could stab me in the back. So why would I care for them?"

You remember having scolded him for such a harsh comment. For yourself, words were of immense importance. It was how you expressed your experience of life and your ideas, but Jaehyun could never seem to agree with you. Which was why you were skeptical that he had left you anything worth reading.

As you reached into your jacket pocket and searched for the piece of paper, you wondered if Jaehyun had left you a corny joke. Perhaps it was a grocery list or a new recipe he had picked up from a colleague?

You examined the paper. It was just ordinary office paper with thin blue lines and a red margin down the side. Creases ran across the paper and the top corner had been torn off, leaving a ragged edge. The thing could have been easily mistaken for a scrap piece of paper, that is if it weren't for the delicate handwriting dancing above the lines.

Holding your breath you unfolded the note and began reading.

"My dearest Peach,

First I would like to say how sorry I am for having been such a terrible boyfriend to you. I've been so busy and caught up in my own work that I've neglected you. It makes me sad, thinking of you alone in the apartment, cooped up by yourself, no doubt watching some terrible reality TV show (haha just kidding). Sometimes I imagine you feel lonely being with me since I'm often away. I hope that in the future I can be there with you all the time. I will make the time for you. One day we may not even have to think about the problems of the world, but alas, for now I know money's tight and I have to keep this job so that we'll have a roof over our heads.

I hate writing and words in general, but I feel compelled to write down my current thoughts. Above all else, I want you to know that when I say "I want to marry you and we'll have our own house and family" I mean it. Every. Single. Word. One day I will make you proud, I will make you my wife.

So please, never leave my side and be patient with me. We may not be able to spend quality time together today, but take these words as a promise of a better future.

From your beloved,

Jae"

Note from the writer: Thank you for patiently waiting for this update! I know it took a while to come. I assure you it's because I've been trying to think of the best way to bring this story to a satisfying close (no this is not the final chapter *phew*), since as a reader myself I can't stand story fillers or plot holes.

I hope that you dear reader are well, please stay happy and healthy! Thank you for supporting my work and I'll see you in the next installation of the Professor's Son.