Where I Am Without You [L.S]

Chapter Thirty Nine

Since this is such a short chapter I'll post the following one in a few hours - This just needed to have a section of it's own. 

On another note thank you to everyone who's stuck with this story up until this point, the comments and votes mean so much to me as I've loved writing this story. Also a reminder that more of this story is uploaded on my AO3 account as is on here so if you want to read further along you can switch to AO3 instead of waiting for updates from me on here :) The story is posted under the same title and by my Xanadu account over on that platform.

The evening light accompanies them both as they wander through the semi long grass towards the creek that runs beside the small village. They'd left the house a half hour ago making their way through the few main streets towards a still familiar route which led them to this spot. Bundled underneath hoodies to fight off the slight briskness evident in the spring weather.

He's silent as Louis finally slips his hand into his, his only response to squeeze gently back as they walk together.

He can't help but wonder for the utmost time what their lives could have been like had circumstances not occurred as they had. Would they still have found one another? Could they have loved freely and openly as they'd always wanted too? It's far from the first time Harry's thought of such things, and he doubts this will be the last but in the quiet of the evening, the love of his love walking beside him and their lives once more so intricately intertwined, he can't help his thoughts from drifting.

A life free from constant media attention, the pressure to conform or blatantly stand out from societal expectations, to live up to the 'reputation' he's had formulated for him for the past ten years of his life mainly by strange people in too sharp suits of attire.

The music side of it is a form of release for him now. Lyrics and hidden notes placed to portray his struggles over the last decade for all those patient enough to search for them. His love for a blue eyed man layered under words of passion, despair, heartbreak and all consuming love. Evident but purposefully disguised.

Success in this way of life should not have to come at the cost of hiding away the things, and the people, he loves most.

"You're thinking too much." Louis says into the still night and he startles as his mind drifts back to the present.

"I wasn't doing anything." He rebuttals, tracing his thumb over the back of Louis' hand.

"If you're trying to convince me of that you're doing a pretty piss poor job of it."

"Charming as ever." He says with a smirk.

"Spill, we said we would communicate properly with each other this time around."

He signs as they now near the stone bridge leading over the river. "I just wish we'd never had to choose between loving one another and having a career."

"We didn't choose either, closeting artists has been around from decades. We were just in the unfortunate position where we didn't know what we meant to each other back then and couldn't possibly have predicted the shit we'd go through just by being in love."

"We could have fought harder, we could have refused, not signed the contracts."

"We were too young and naive to understand what parts of ourselves we were signing away. Neither of us could have known as teenagers what would happen, we weren't even technically together by the time we first signed."

"I know Lou, but we gave up so much of ourselves only to be portrayed as people we aren't and never have been."

"We were closeted by those homophobic arseholes to fit in to a specific market. I will never stop despising the shit they put you through, how they made you out to be someone you aren't and I don't completely know how to fix that, but we've almost made it now love, and this time we'll do it right."

They pause underneath a thick oak tree beside the stone bridge, hands clasped tightly as he stares out across the place he'd grown up in. Not in his wildest dreams when he'd come out here as a young boy did he think his life would turn out anywhere close to how it had.

"When we first signed that contract, moved into Princess Park and were first together we were both surrounded by people we'd only ever admired from afar, worked with incredible people and were thrown into so many new environments we simply didn't know any better." Louis continues after a moment, "We navigated five years together through all of that shit show, and the important thing is we know better now. We have people who actually want to help us instead of lock us in a closet and bury our public personas under piles of scandals and outrageous lies. We've got each other again, and at the end of this year, we'll be right here, together, when all this shit with Eleanor is over and then we can finally have our freedom."

"Since when did you become the wise one in this relationship?" He teases through the tightness in his chest.

"Don't expect it to become a common reoccurrence." Louis warns with a smile.

"You know," He starts with a private smile, "I can't wait for the day I can walk out on stage and love you freely for the world to witness."

Louis' breathe fans out over his neck, places a small kiss in the junction between his neck and shoulder before burying himself into Harry's side. He slides an arm around Louis' shoulder, kissing the top of his hair and listens in the silence which encases them, only disrupted by the sound of their breathing.

"I want to fight." Louis eventually whispers. "I don't want to run and hide from our past. When we can finally be open about what's transpired I want to tell the world just why we had to hide, why for those years we were left broken all because of a system that should be designed to support us in our careers. Harry turns his head towards him but Louis continues before he can say a word. "I'm not saying I want to tell all of our history, I want to keep living our private life together as something out of the media and public knowledge, but just imagine Haz the amount of young or emerging artists or whoever we could help by confronting this. There are dozens of examples of famous musicians who've been closeted as not to 'taint their image'. Being gay isn't a crime. Love is not a crime. Being who you are isn't a crime. Nobody should have to hide behind a glass closet because of traditional and backwards views. We could help so many people H, and I want to do it. I don't want others to experience a fraction of what we went through. I want people to be treated equally, with kindness, fairly."

There're tears brimmed in his eyes by the time Louis' finished. He doesn't have the words to explain how he feels in that moment after Louis' words so instead he turns Louis' head with his fingers placed gently beneath his jaw and kisses him softly. There's no heat behind the kiss, only a burning flame of passion and reverence for this selfless, brave and kindhearted man that he's loved for ten years.

"I'll be by your side through it all," He murmurs against his lips, "I promise Lou."