Where I Am Without You [L.S]

Chapter Eighteen

The California sun is what pulls him from his sleep on the Tuesday morning. He'd arrived in LA late two nights ago with Liam, Zayn and Niall, all of them opting to stay in the homes they owned in the city rather the stay inside a stuffy hotel, they'd have that to look forward to enough as it was over the coming months. Regardless of the fact his LA home was a long way from the interviews which would take place over the week they would all be in LA, he felt far more comfortable being in the familiar surroundings. He'd been here for most of November and the start of December leading up to the release of Fine Line so walking in the front door two days ago hadn't felt quite as strange as it once used to when he'd go away for months at a time and suddenly be back in a strange place he was meant to call his own.

He made his way into the bathroom, showered quickly before pulling on the clothes he'd been sent to wear for today and headed downstairs. They were due in the studio for their first official interview at 3pm, which left only four hours seeing as he'd woken up so late.

He'd had one of the quietest birthdays he'd had in years. Forgoing hosting a big party as he'd done in years, he'd driven to his mum's in the morning and had spent the day with just her and Gemma. It would be one of the last chances he'd have to relax for most of the rest of the year. Despite having to drive all the way back to London late that night so he could finish packing for his flight the next morning, it had been well worth it to spend the time with his family.

He filled in the time lazily, lounging in his last few hours of freedom before his life would once more be filled with a crazy schedule and too many places to possibly be at once.

The house was silent. And he hated it.

He'd bought this house in 2014, had done so with the intention of surprising Louis so that they'd have a place to retreat to in private when they had been spending so much of their time in LA. He could still picture Louis' face when he'd driven him blindfolded down the driveway and had guided him towards the front door. They'd almost ended up sprawled on the tarmac however with the way Louis had been squirming, shoulders shaking with laughter and Harry had tried not to fall all over him in the process. Louis had known what the house meant the moment he'd taken off the blindfold. Had flung himself into Harry, pulling him in by his nape and left them breathless before pressing bruising kisses along his jaw. He'd had Louis in every room of this house, each placed he turned he could picture in his mind the memories of lazy mornings spent lounging around in each others arms, escaping down to the private beach at midnight to be drowned in the waves and then ripped open again as Louis had lain him in the soft sand and spent hours tangled together. Late nights when they'd drunkenly got each other off after returning to their home by the sea. Hectic mornings spent hurriedly packing before an early flight, too caught up in each other to have done so the night before.

He could vividly remember the first time he'd walked through the front door without Louis. Had collapsed against the wall barely inside and not moved for hours. There had been no tears, no racking sobs which would at least meant he had felt anything other than the excruciating way his heart had ached to have been here without Louis. He had spent the next few months doing anything he could to distract himself from that feeling, filming had helped but not enough that when he returned to writing his debut album he couldn't bring himself to write a single word in the house that held such memories for him. He had considered returning home, to London, to Holmes Chapel to anywhere he'd once lived but knew the moment he would he'd be surrounded by people who knew and recognized him. He couldn't have that. So in the wee hours of an early Thursday morning he'd phoned Jeff half out of his mind and told him he wanted to go to Jamaica. He'd left three days later.

Jamaica had been one of the most carefree times of his life, certainly the most in the six years which had gone by since the formation of the band. He'd lost himself in the long, hot days, caught up in a writing haze where he'd distractively written songs he knew he enjoyed and related too but still never entirely felt like him. He'd tried, or had certainly been trying to find a way out from his own emotions. Had buried himself in songs that were him yet not.

Looking back on those songs he could pick out every line he'd written which hadn't been about himself at all, nor any fake relationship or circumstance the fans and media would try associate the lines too. Sweet Creature had been his biggest giveaway, and he truly thought himself to have been out of his mind when he once scrambled to say that the song was about Gemma of all people.

He'd been angry when writing those songs. Angry and hurt at what he'd lost. He'd spent so long believing he'd spend the rest of his life with Louis, so caught up in his love for the brown haired boy who had always been so passionate, devoted and loving that he'd been blinded to see anything other than what he believed. He wanted to know despite it all when Louis had started to want a way out. Not for his own suffering, but so he could simply have a reason. He'd spent so much of the past four years thinking up scenarios in his mind about the reasoning behind it all, but he'd never know unless he actually talked through things with Louis.

It would hurt, he knew that. To resurface those emotions of pain and heartbreak, but he knew it was what he needed, could only hope Louis still meant that he'd talk things over with him eventually. He had realised in the past few days that perhaps he'd never be fully prepared for this conversation, but he would bare it all the same.

Perhaps then he could finally bare to sell this house.

~~~~

Louis wasn't there when he arrived at the studio. Instead he wandered into the dressing room to find Niall squished between the other two, all of them engrossed in Zayn's phone, bright expressions and laughter filling the room.

"This is just too fucking good." Niall says almost breathless from laughter.

"There's no way people actually wrote this!" Zayn chokes out in almost the same hysterical manner.

"You're a bunch of five year old's." He comments as he makes his way towards a low table lined with snacks and beverages.

"Listen to this H," Liam says grabbing the phone from Zayn's hand and proceeding to read whatever was on the screen. "Boyband One Direction have sent fans across the world into a craze as they announced last week their reunion tour as a celebration of their upcoming tenth anniversary later this year. Members Liam Payne, Niall Horan, Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles and recently rejoined member, Zayn Malik, are set to kickstart their tour in late March!"

"Here's where it gets good." Niall says with a snicker and is quickly shushed by Zayn.

"The five young men confirmed their reunion in an Instagram livestream last week as well as several posts across their numerous social media platforms. Further frenzy was stirred when band member Liam Payne posted a poll on both his Twitter and Instagram asking fans to debate whether Raspberries or Blueberries are the superior fruit, sparking four hashtags to trend worldwide on Twitter and a full blown, two sided battle, kick started by six fans in particular, sending the entire 'Directioner' fandom into chaos as each one choose either #TeamBlueberry or #TeamRaspberry. Of the six fans who started the trend (It was tied three vs. three!), three later spoke out after receiving tickets sent personally by Mr. Payne for siding with his opinion of #TeamRaspberry. Taking sympathy on the remaining three fans, it has been confirmed that fellow bandmate Louis Tomlinson, also sent the three fans who captained #TeamBlueberry tickets to shows near them also! And just yesterday the official band account declared #TeamBlueberry the official winners of the debate with over 78.9 million tweets over #TeamRasberry's 72.3 million tweets accumulated since the debate kickstarted." Liam finally finished, during which time Harry had poured himself a glass of whatever cocktail was offered on the table and had taken a seat on the sofa beside the three others.

"Tried to tell you Blueberries are superior." Was his only comment and Zayn and Niall burst out laughing whilst Liam sent him a stony glare.

"Hey you were meant to be on my side!" Liam says turning to Zayn.

"Didn't you see my tweet three days ago? I rebelled and sided with #TeamBlueberry!"

"Fucking traitor." Liam murmurs and its sets the three of them off once more just as Louis walks into the room. He stops as he see's three of them falling apart with laughter and Liam's stony expression.

"This is about the fuckin' fruit isn't it?" He says in a deadpan voice which only causes the three of them to laugh harder and the slow twitch of Louis' lips as he looks between them.

"Shouldn't have tried to start something with me Payno."