Clever Girl

Chapter 35: through the muffled darkness

I'm an expanding universe pushed into a square that is filled with water. The square is locked, and stays the same size. I keep growing, and the water keeps pouring in from an invisible force that seems to hate me. How long until I drown? 

My throat is heavy and my eyes are stinging from crying, for what must've been a lifetime. 

Right after my mother told me the most heartbreaking news, I ran out of the house. That was two hours ago. I'm now at Grover park, in solitude, in my favourite spot just a few feet away from the edge of the cliff, letting the lively city below consume me. How many people down there are dying right now? How many are suffering? How many are crying, just like me, over situations they can't control? I know that in my heartache, I can't be alone. Right?

I placed my cellphone on silent right after leaving home, but I did check it a little while ago. My parents haven't tried calling or texting me. They probably want to give me some time to adjust, to take in the sadness and calm down. But they don't know that it won't ever go away. How can I possibly handle this? 

I was so obsessed with myself, with school and thoughts of college, and Jay and Will, that I lost sight of reality. Of my mother's condition. I lowered my guard and let selfishness overtake me, for one fleeting moment, and now this happened. Of course, if I'm being logical, I know that her illness has nothing to do with me. Maybe it was inevitable. But how can I forgive myself for not devoting every second of every day to her? Stop it, Veronica. Stop blaming yourself, or you'll wither away too. 

More tears rush to my eyes and run down my cheeks, and I'm grateful there is no one around to hear me cry. I wish that none of this was real but rather an unforgiving, never-ending nightmare. 

"Veronica?" 

Did someone just call me, or was that my conscience trying to wake me up from this nightmare?

"Hey, Veronica."

Furious at the interruption, I wipe the tears off my face, but I don't stand up or face him. It did take a second for me to recognize the voice, through the muffled darkness that has now consumed the park. Why does he have to be here? Do I have enough energy for a confrontation, or enough to even speak to him? He can't see me crying, and I'm thankful that the night has placed a shield over my face, hopefully thick enough to hide the puffiness of my eyes. 

"I went by your house, and your brother said you might be here," he says quietly as his footsteps get closer.

I feel a slight breeze when he sits down next to me, but still I refuse to look at him. I keep my face forward, at the subduing city of Apollo, at the lights, the sounds and the passing moments. I keep wondering if there was something I could've done, something I missed or forgot about, that might've helped us find out about the cancer sooner. 

"I'm sorry for showing up like this. I called you earlier and you didn't answer. I haven't seen or heard from you in a while, and I wanted to make sure we were okay."

Through his words I hear a ringing. It's getting louder. Or maybe it's a buzzing. Maybe it's my mind telling me that I should probably tell Jay to go away, that I can't see him anymore, in any capacity. After all, isn't that what I promised Will? Or quite possibly it's my soul that has had enough, that knows I can't deal with this situation right now - that neither Will nor Jay matter anymore. 

"Hey, are you mad at me? Did I do something?"

"No, you didn't do anything. I just don't feel like talking right now," I whisper. 

"What do you feel like doing then?"

"Like not talking," I respond, a little louder, emphasizing the point. "I'm not going to tell you to leave. But if you insist on being here, then please be quiet."