Clever Girl

Chapter 24: "There's no reason to panic."

Life would be easier if your choices, your words and your actions did not have an affect on anyone around you. You could decide everything without the fear that it would cause a ripple effect, possibly, unintentionally altering the lives of others. When it comes to Matty, I don't want him to be anything like me - a disengaged person with a lack of aspiration or any worldly intelligence. I might know books and numbers, but when it comes to the tangible reality of the outside, to actual life experiences, I may as well not exist.

"Matty, I have issues. Like major issues, and I'm not smart. But you - you're very smart, and you have the power to change the world. So don't be like me, okay?" It's a very weak explanation, but I pray it might be enough for now.  

He stares at me with a curiosity that you don't see in adults - it's with no judgement, no prying regard - but rather a naïve eagerness that I can't quite explain. A second later he shrugs, and it disappears, "Okay."

"Okay, so . . . are we cool?"

"I guess so. But I think you should un-quit. I heard mom and dad talking, and they're sad. If you un-quit, they'll stop being sad and they'll be happy again."

I stand up straight and frown, "Really? They're sad?" 

"Yep." Matty leans back in his chair and waits for his breakfast. He doesn't say anything else about the matter, but it's clear now that it bothers him. I should add this to the list of growing reasons as to why I'm a massive idiot, and I hope I can somehow shift his views. If my parents are truly sad about my decision, and their sadness is apparent to Matty, it's all my fault. 

After finishing breakfast and making sure my mother has taken her pills, I head to the car dealership. It's a quiet day at work, and it gives me time to tweak some of the conditions I had set up for the essay writing business. I like to call it that, a 'business', rather than cheating. Even though I couldn't care less what the district school board would think of me if they ever found out, the word in and of itself is not appealing. At this moment, however, it is a means to an end.

The days progress with a slow, rhythmic pulse, not a single note out of place. I go to work, I write papers, I tutor, and I get paid. Every day I also go through our finances, again and again, looking constantly for ways in which we can save money, for expenses we can cut. I've also managed to schedule a home visit appointment for my mother - Dr. Manning will be bringing more equipment as well as a nurse to assist. Though a small portion of it is covered by my father's insurance, the rest is still high and it has taken me a long time to save up enough. 

On the morning of the appointment, I'm not sure how to describe my emotions. Is it elation, relief, or fear? What if everything changes with one diagnosis, and my worst nightmare comes true? When I was younger, I used to dread going to the doctor, afraid that there might be something wrong with me, that somehow evading the visit would keep me safe from bad news and erase any given illness. I knew it was stupid, but I didn't care. 

I can't allow myself to be blinded by that same foolish apprehension now. 

When Dr. Manning arrives, I stand back in silence and watch as she examines my mother. She has brought along a cholesterol test kit, as well as the equipment to check her blood pressure. These are common tests administered to patients with MS. Would it be rude to voice my suspicion, that it may not be MS at all? Or would that be overstepping boundaries?

"It's very important that these tests are done on a regular basis. I would also like to refer you to have a chest x-ray, a CT scan, as well as a biopsy," Dr. Manning explains to my mother. 

"Why does she need all of that?" I ask, my fear growing more monstrous with every second that passes. 

"I'm afraid her health is in rapid decline. There has been extreme weight loss since the last time she had an appointment, and she seems to be having a bit of trouble breathing," Dr. Manning advises. She then turns to my mother, "Have you been experiencing any chest pains? Feeling tired or weak? Or any chronic couching, specifically coughing up blood?"