Clever Girl

Chapter 22: "What kind of person I really am."

Chuck Palahniuk, in his book Invisible Monsters, wrote that our real discoveries come from chaos, from going to the place that looks wrong and stupid and foolish. I have spent the last few days replaying every single significant moment, of the years that I spent behind a mask, in isolation, convincing myself this what I had always wanted. The words of my father echo through my conscience, making shame and regret grow with each rebound. Now, my lies and devalued impression of myself to others looks wrong, and stupid, and very foolish.

It is in this discovery that I know I must do my very best to succeed now. I have to prove to my parents, and to myself, that I can be trusted. That I can make it all better. That my actions in the last few years can still have a purposeful reaction. It's also exactly why this has to be the last time I see Jay. I'll be nice, and honest, and strong enough to walk away afterwards. It's the same conclusion that I've drawn before, that it's not the right time in my life for someone like him.

When I see him through the window of Starbucks, the familiar numbness takes over again, and I swear silently at myself for letting him have this continuous effect on me. Why is he inside anyway? We were supposed to meet at the front. 

Before I push through the doors, my eyes drift towards a table to the left of Jay. I don't know their names, but they're definitely students at Apollo. One of them, a girl who I think is a Junior, is looking right at Jay, whose oblivious to their presence. Discouraged and flustered, I turn back around and head towards the bus stop I had just departed from. One of the conditions was to meet somewhere no one from Apollo could see us. This was clearly not the best location. I should've chosen some ambiguous cafe in another town. Not a Starbucks. 

I take out my phone, with the intention of texting Jay an apology and asking to reschedule, when I hear him calling my name, "Veronica! Where are you going?"

Slowly but boldly, I face him, "I'm really sorry. I thought I could do this, but I can't. Maybe some other time-"

"But you're here already."

"I know, but... it's too crowded in there, and I saw some people from Apollo. I don't want anyone knowing we're here together."

"Why not?" He steps closer to me, and I'm as entranced by the depth of his eyes as always. 

"What if I do end up coming back to school?  It was bad enough before, with your friends harassing me for thinking there was something going on between us, when there wasn't. This could get back to them, and I'll never hear the end of it."

"I told you they promised me they'd leave you alone. But we can go someplace else, if you're up for it."

I think for a moment, and when I can't come up with another reason as to why we should reschedule, I drop my shoulders in defeat. "Okay, yeah. Someplace else then. There's this park that's really nice, Grover park? And there's this one area of it that's usually pretty quiet. It's kind of far, but we can go there."

After giving him the initial directions, I remain quiet. We spend the distance in silence, and it's something I find comforting. Some people believe that not speaking to someone in your company for a long time creates an unwelcomed awkwardness. But to me, silence is often beguiling. It lets me dive into the character, or the scenery, and allows me to study them, their movement, their expressions, the landscape and the parts of every sum. With Jay, he keeps his eyes on the road for most of the journey, but every once in a while he faces me with a shadow of a smile. Is he not speaking because he enjoys the calm as well, or because he doesn't know what to say?  

He's driving an impressive blue sports car that is probably worth more than our entire household income for three years straight. It angers me that some people have it so blissfully great, with beautiful houses and cars, and days filled with luxury and splendour. It then occurs to me that I should not be so presumption to think anything about Jay's life. Besides, I have my own luxuries - they might not match his but they're definitely there.