Clever Girl

Chapter 16: "We've all got baggage."

There are many things in life I'm uncertain of. If the future will allow me to keep my family together, keep them safe. If Matty will turn out more stable and well adjusted than I could ever be. If the world might open up and swallow me whole.

If Jay might kiss me.

How did we go from holding copious amounts of disdain for one another to this moment? I'm not even sure if he's genuine. What if this is a dare, or some distorted way of humiliating me in front of his friends? No book can outline the various advances, the psychology or truth, of moments like this.

I wait, and wonder, and I'm suddenly aware that I want this too, though I can't figure out if it's because I feel something for him, or because of sheer curiosity. A second, or a minute, or possibly an hour passes, and his lips are almost touching mine.

Someone bumps into me hard, knocking my conscious into a slight tailspin, and I shuffle sideways, barely able to keep my balance. 

"Hey, Ronnie, is this guy bothering you?" Will asks as he puts his arm around my neck, pulling me in and making me dizzy all over again from the alcohol on his breath. It's now more intense than earlier. 

"Are you okay? Do you wanna go lie down somewhere?" I don't look at Jay any longer, afraid I might be blushing.

"I found Grizz! Look, here he is. Hey Grizz, I've got her for you!" Will speaks with garble and exaggerates random syllables. 

Grizz, who's especially tall and built, with deep brown eyes and a friendly overall demeanor, glances at me with exhaustive apology, "Sorry about him. He gets like this sometimes."

"It's fine. Do you have a bed he can sleep in?"

"He lives three houses down. Eleven-fifteen. Think you could walk him home? I would, except my parents'll have me killed if I leave the house and let everyone break more shit than they already have."

"Do you know where his keys are? Or are his parents home?"

"He lives with his grandma. Just try to be as quiet as possible when you get there - she's probably sleeping. Here, he threw these at me earlier," Grizz hands me the keys and offers a small smile, "Thanks again, Veronica. Maybe we can talk when you get back?"

"Yeah, definitely."

"I'll come with you," Jay interjects.

"No you won't."

"But he's dragging you down. I can help."

Will's weight extends with every second, as if alcohol has a way of gradually letting gravity pull you down. I face Grizz again, but he's already gone, lifting up another guy who has evidently thrown up in a very large, porcelain floor vase. Between the excessively drunk, the profoundly high, those fast asleep and those wrapped up in too much fun, there is no one else who appears free enough, or willing enough, to help me. 

Defeated, and now very aware that I'm indeed blushing like crazy, I frown at Jay, "Fine. But no talking."

After we stumble outside, dragging Will in between us, I breathe in the cool open air and let it soothe my resentment. So much for my first, and last, party. Perhaps staying home and recalculating our finances for the month wouldn't have been as eventful, but it would have been more productive. The only lesson I've learned is that I will always be an outsider, content with my displaced existence in the everyday.

"So we're not going to talk at all?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what to say to you." It's the truth. I have no words for whatever strange thing is developing between us. I don't know if it's even anything to obsess over, if he is about to declare that it was a fleeting second in a meaningless night. "I don't get it. Last week you hated me, and now it's like-"