The Gory Details (Gross)

The Gory Details #9: "Bite Me!"

Sometimes the real world is too weird for even the Gore Monger. There was a trial in Europe in which a man was found guilty of having killed, cooked and eaten another man. I'm O.K. with that. Hannibal Lecter's a hero of mine. I don't know what fava beans are, but if I ever decide the neighbor kid has to go, I'll get me some.

No, what troubles the Gore Monger, deep in his black heart, is the victim. It seems that our would be human gourmet advertised that he was looking for someone willing to be killed and eaten. The "victim" responded to the ad and let himself be offed, knowing his haunches would soon be in the freezer and his liver cooking with some onions. What the hell? What's the point of being a homicidal maniac if your victims are going to line up for their turn?

Cannibalism, on the other hand, can be very healthy.

First a note to all you industrial and post industrial age folks out there. You taste nasty. Every preservative, cigarette and baking soda laced toothpaste you expose your body to finds its way into your muscles, liver and other edibles ruining your rich, meaty goodness. If you do want to offer yourself for someone else's plate, please have the decency to eat whole grains and no sugar for at least a few weeks first.

While Western society tends to get a little finicky when it comes to eating people, there is a very practical reason (beside trying to consume souls and what not) cannibalism has thrived in so many cultures. Protein. As much as vegans and other tasty people would like to tell you you can get what you need from plants, the easiest protein source for humans is other animals. That's why we have those pointy teeth (Sorry Anne Rice. They're just not good for sucking blood. I've tried.)

When a shift in weather patterns brought a prolonged drought on the Anisazi peoples in the American South West one of the last, most desperate changes that appeared before they were forced to flee was cannibalism. "Revenge" say some experts. "Soul eating" say other. "B.S." says the Gore Monger. If you're so starved that you're willing to fight a guy to the death over the last loaf of bread and you discover, after winning the fight, you've made your opponent into 150 pounds of steak, do you say, "No thanks. A loaf of bread is fine?" No way! You say, "Where's the A-1?"

This is mirrored in nature. Some species of cave crickets, deprived of other sources of protein will eat other cave crickets. This has got to make dating a bit touchy.

"Did you meet any nice boys tonight?"

"Yeah one, but then he bit my leg."

"Oh well, you'll mate with and eat the right boy someday. Just like me and your father. *Burp*"

"Thanks mom. You always know what to say."

For an all too real and very gory look at cannibalism, read "Alive" the true story of a rugby team forced to eat each other after surviving a plane crash high in the Andes. It covers many important details. For example, it covers a fight that broke out between two survivors over a hand that one of them had brought into the broken fuselage to chew on later that the other one sat on scaring the bejesus out of himself, the smell of an airplane full of unbathed crash survivors and how much better people who died in the initial accident and had a lot of fat on them were than those who starved to death.

For those of you interest in the psychology of cannibalism there's a lot of material on that too. They agreed not to eat any of the women or anyone with relatives still among the living. Several of the survivors also talk about what a profound spiritual experience it was to eat the flesh of a long time friend...Right and they ate them raw! "Hey, quit hogging the kidneys! You got the kidneys yesterday!"

And most important; What do you eat first?

There are two ways to look at this. First of all, eat the most nutritious parts first. Liver, brains, fat. The liver is by far the richest most nutritious part of the body. The brain is actually also quite full of yummy goodness. By weight most of the brain is not involved in signal transmission. Every nerve fiber has a "fatty" sheath protecting it, which can be very healthy for you. Next eat the fat. It may seem like you should eat the meat but a starving person will run out of fuel before they start breaking down muscle tissue. Since fat is fuel, eat that spare tire. I imagine it's kind of slimy served cold. Maybe you will have some crackers.

The other way to look at eating order is by how long things will last. If you are lucky enough to be eating folks in a frozen wilderness, you don't have to worry about this. In the Sahara, on the other hand, you've got to manage your resources. First things first; get the stomach out of the body. You can clean it and leave it for later but it's full of acid and will eat itself and the organs around it. Do the same to the intestines. You don't want dinner to be full of sh** do you? Hang the skin and fat up to dry and be eaten later. Then eat in the order above. Especially if dry, muscle tissue with last a while if the acid and water bearing organs are removed. If you don't mind the smell, you can dine well for days.

I posted myself as a potential dinner out at E-Bay. Looks like I'm worth about $3.25 a pound. Choice not prime I guess. Now get out there and write.

If you have enjoyed this article, please consider supporting me on Patreon.