Sometimes the Gore Monger has a hard time convincing people he's not just a homicidal maniac. People will say things like; "You're just a stupid, violent undead moron."
And I'll say things like. "Oh huh." Or "Am not." Or "Sorry, I seem to have stabbed my pitchfork through your genitals."
This time though, I've hit on it; the scariest monster ever. The baddest of the bad. Follow along:
I hadn't meant to write an article on vampires at all, or, if I did, I'd meant for it to start with a opening like this.
"Vampires suck! They are the most sissified, abused monsters in the history of literature! I hate them!"
After a little introspection, however, I've revised the sentence. It now reads like this; "the last 30 years of vampire literature sucks. They are the most sissified, abused monsters in the history of literature." Let me explain.
In 1976 Anne Rice published "Interview with the Vampire." A story about a whoosy vampire named Lewis who was sexy, wore nice clothes and whined endlessly about the morality of sucking the lifeblood out of people. In addition to several more books, Rice's vampires reached an all time low when pretty boys Tom Cruz and Brad Pitt were hired to play them in the movie of the same name. It was revolting! Any monster that can be effectively portrayed by Tom Cruz should have a stake shoved through it now! This has only be complicated by the even more horrible abused heaped on vampires during the "Twilight Crisis."
Still, vampires have power. In addition to the inherent sexiness of having someone frenching your throat while they kill you, vampires are parasites. They feed on humans like ticks or mites. There's no reason a good author couldn't write an effective story where the vampires are as sexy as maggots.
They also have made a journey we all hope to make; the journey to the after life. But, unlike ghost who have often lost their identity or free will, or the redeemed who are taken into the hand of God, the vampire has his will, his immorality, but owes allegiance to any divine spirit. He is free like no one else, free to kill or wreak havoc as he sees fit and answer to no one. Now that's a good time.
Still, I didn't want to write a whole article about Bram Stoker and bats. What was I to do? Then it struck me, there was something I wanted to write about that are much more frightening than vampires. Clowns.
Clowns are bad...bad, bad. Worse than, marionettes and used car salesmen, clowns are the very evilest of soulless, automatons.
The concept behind clowns is found from pagan totem masks to the blindfolding of a condemned man. By hiding the face, thereby dehumanizing an individual, behavior that would not be acceptable becomes acceptable.
A shaman, wishing to touch the spirit world, puts on a mask, it blunts him and sustains the image of the spirit as touchable. When we cannot see the face of a condemned man, he is less human and easier to kill. In the same way, clown's actions are socially unacceptable. They knock each other down, hit each other with ladders and pies. But these actions are made O.K. by depersonalization. We are not watching Jim and Karen the people beating each other with oversized bats. We are watching Chuckles and Miss. Sniff characters who do not follow social rules.
For exactly the same reason clowns are deeply creepy. We know there is motivation. We know there is intent, but what? We cannot see inside the paint. We cannot see behind the mask. Does the wearer only mean to entertain or is he given to some evil purpose and only exposing this harmless face to put us at ease?
Creepy ass clowns. I hate clowns.
Horror has caught on to the magic of clowns. Few can forget Tim "Just Call Me Sex" Curry as Pennywise in the 1990 classic "It" or Bill Skarsgards equally creepy but totally different take on the same character. There have been others, of course. My favorite clown movie is the really rank "Killer Klowns from Outer Space." It features a popcorn gun and "Klowns" sucking the juice out of people with a straw. Good times.
Follow along now. Here comes the magic I was talking about earlier...ready? Vampire clowns. Don't laugh.
I'm not talking about Bo Bo who hits you with a giant inflatable hammer and then rips your throat out. (Although I'd like to see that too.) I'm talking about an elegant, designed clown, like a harlequin perhaps, that gains access to people because he is funny or trustworthy, and then kills or consumes his prey with the willful intent of a vampire.
Picture this. A harlequin is hired to perform at a beach party full of nubile teenagers. His act goes well at first till he gets a girl onstage and "levitates" her. In front of everyone, he drains her dry in what seems to the audience a prolonged kiss. Once she's dead, he looks up, fangs and blood, while she drops to the ground. Then he leaps up into the dark and vanishes. Cool right? I should write a story. Wait, I think I just did.
If you ever see a guy wearing a garlic wreath to the circus, that's me.
Now get out there and write.
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