The Gory Details (Gross)

The Gory Details #11: "Inferno"

I'm not actually the first or only Gore Monger. From time to time throughout history, the spirit of gore has landed on otherwise unblighted souls, waking them in the night with the sound of crunching bone and howls of pain. Vlad the Impaler, Marquise de Sade, Elon Musk; all of us have reveled in gore. None was better than Dante. His "Inferno" stands for all time as the masterpiece of Gore Mongering. Since it goes on forever and is in an obscure form of Italian, I have reduced it to the 1000 word "Inferno '04." Look for it on The PS4 game rack next to "Madden Football," "FIFA Soccer," and "Le Miserables IV 'Javier's Revenge'" It's my humble homage to the master.

First some history: Dante was this Italian dude who wrote a book about hell. He's dead. 10 to 1 he's in hell too.

What happens: Dante is led through hell by the ghost of the poet Virgil. There are pages and pages of who's in hell and why. For a while it's funny. But, you can't send everybody who cuts you off in traffic to hell...can you? He also spends a lot of time trying to show people how awful hell was so they wouldn't sin. The completely weird thing about "Inferno" is that it's considered a poem. I showed people my poems about other people's entrails and they put me on the "lockdown" unit.

Meet the Main Characters:

Dante. He may be gay. Key Quote;

"Poet..regard my manhood."

Virgil. He is actually Yoda. Key Quotes;

"Man once I was."

"Sub Julio was I born."

"Rip me off Lucas did."

What hell looks like:

It's pretty cool. There are nine different levels with different torments on each level. There are dark rivers and iron walled cities. Generally, there's fire and a nasty stink nearby. One level stinks so bad that they have to hang around a while and get used to the smell before they can go in. Also, most people are naked. This may be hell on the victim, but for the Gore Monger reading about all the naked flesh and whips I...

Monsters in Hell:

Cerberus: A three headed man/dog.

Handmaidens of the Queen of Everlasting Lamentation: These are harpies bloody, naked and snake haired. We never meet the Queen of Everlasting Lamentation. Could be Hillary Clinton?

Minotaurs and Centaurs.

This human/serpent thing "hairy unto the armpits."

Six legged dragons that merge into each other (These are really weird. I think Dante was tripping.)

And Satan. He's a giant three headed bat thing that cries blood. The guy who's getting it worse than anyone else in hell is Judas Iscariot, betrayer of Christ. Satan's center head is eternally chewing on him. That's not very nice. He should let one of the other heads have a turn.

The Gore:

Right inside the gate of hell are fallen angels who's faces are being stung with insects so that the blood is feeding the worms crawling on the ground.

Next they pass this dark howling cavern where people are blown in the air slamming into each other.

Cerberus rules over this place filled with stinking mud, rain and hail where people are ground into the dirt.

There's a whole city full of crypts. People get stuck into a crypt based on what groups they belonged to. For example; all poodle owners would be in one, people who don't silence there cell phones in theaters in another. Then the temperature in each crypt is turned to the correct heat for those people. Fry poodle! Fry!

They pass a really cool river of boiling blood and souls. There are demons walking along the bank poking the dammed with their pitchforks. Ah, the smell. Strange, there's no boiling river of A-1 nearby.

Somebody is Leaving bloody footprints because his skin has been peeled off, also there's another person who's tongue has cracked from thirst and there's another guy who, "like and ox..licks its nose." (Gene Simmons?)

Some folks are being drowned in human sewage. Lawyers, I would assume.

There were all the other things you'd expect to find in hell; whips, plagues, pits of boiling pitch.

For some reason Dante thought you might become a thorn tree on about the fifth level of hell. Dante breaks off a thorn from one of these trees. The tree starts to bleed and bitches Dante out for being insensitive. Actually, plants talk to me to. All the time my lawn says to me, "You don't want to mow me. You want to play Microsoft Flight Sim online." Damn those talking plants. I had to upgrade my broadband.

Some Very Cool Gore Quotes.

"Between his legs were hanging down his entrails; His heart was visible, and the dismal sack that maketh excrement of what is eaten."

"...he had only had the groin cut off Just at the point at which a man is forked." (I have this personal rule; don't ever get cut off at the fork.)

What the Hell?

Everyone using adult diapers is going to hell;

"The dispositions three, that Heaven abides not, – Incontinence, and Malice, and insane bestiality."

Sorry grandma. You should have stayed with sane bestiality.

Someone, "had made a trumpet of his rump." (Would this be an Ass horn?)

The parts that rocked;

There were two places in hell that were images worthy any Nocturnal Ooze story. The first was this very cool deserty place with lots more naked souls. What makes this part of hell so awesome is the fire. It's snowing, only instead of ice, it's flakes of fire landing on the damned.

"Without repose forever was the dance of miserable hands, now there, now here, shaking away from off them the fresh gleeds. (Cinders)"

Sweet. If you weren't bonkers when you got there, you would be in an hour.

The other most memorable place in hell was a frozen lake you could walk on. Beneath the surface, the dammed wailed and cried, their tears freezing in their eyes. That is the creepyist image ever.

The Moment that was too Great for Words:

At the River Styx they found a slime pit and watched naked people trying to tear each other apart.

"They smote each other not alone with hands, but with the head and the breast and the feet."

Please, smite me with your breasts.

And you thought Dante was a crappy European car. Now get out there and write.

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