The Gory Details (Gross)

Gory Detail #20 "Entertaining Your Martyr Friends"

Being an early Christian could be tough. I addition to the whole piety/holiness/being nice thing, there was a problem with the local government. It was Roman, pagan and intolerant. Trouble started right at the outset. Of the big four; Matthew, Mark, Luke and John all but John got martyred in some unpleasant way, one was stoned in Asia, another stabbed in Ethiopia.

The list of Christian martyrs is long, more than 400,000 by some accounts. While some of the unpleasant things Christians have suffered in the name of their lord are really creative (as we'll see,) the torture of Christians follows the general pattern of stone, burn then shoot. Up until about 500 A.D. a Christian martyr was most likely to get stoned. After that, and for a long while, burning at the stake was popular. Then, with the advent of firearms, everyone got sort of lazy and just started shooting whomever they disagreed with. We're going to stick with the time up to 500 A.D.. Nobody did it better than a pissed Roman.

The weirdest thing, according to me, is that getting martyred was generally viewed as a good thing in the early years. History abounds with mothers, watching their sons get butchered then cheering about what a good boy he was to make such a spectacle of himself.

Since getting martyred is such a fun thing. Let's call this; "How to Entertain Your Martyr Friends."

First, and this is my favorite, drive nails through you friend's feet and make them walk around town carrying heavy weights. Youch!

Second, if a good case of nails through the feet doesn't make your friends happy, try this. Put one nail through every major joint and leave your friend in the sun. If you really want to make this fun for your friend, leave a centurion to keep the buzzards off and provide a drink of water now and then.

Speaking of joints, if what you really want your friend to do is repent his new religion and return to paganism, you might try chopping him apart one joint at a time. Start with the finger joints, work your way up to the shoulders and, if he still hasn't realized what a fun and friendly guy you are, move to the toes and keep right on trucking. Note: While this punishment was fairly common, it was never very successful beyond the hips. The good news is, a stubborn martyr friend can be buried in a shoebox if this treatment doesn't work out.

Still looking for ways to entertain your martyr friends? Try ripping their flesh off. It's wicked fun and there are so many ways to do it. First, of course, were the iron hooks. This was just what it says, an iron hook on a short pole. More brutal and very effective were the iron combs. This was a comb similar to one used to curry wool, only this one was dragged up and down on a martyr's body till their was no skin left. Boy did those Roman's know how to party! Also, pottery shards were sometimes used to rip the flesh off of martyrs. I assume this was only in poorer neighborhoods where iron combs were not available.

Sometimes a particular form of Martydom was dug up for special occasions. In sixty-four A.D. after a fire in Rome which Nero probably set but which was blamed on the Christians, a large group of martyrs to be was rounded up and on thirty June that year, they were covered in pitch, set on fire and used as torches to light the emperor's banquet.

In another instance, around the year 200, a school teacher named Cassian was given to his own students for execution. They beat him with writing boards, stabbed him with pencils and eventually took to carving their assignment into his skin with knives. Sing it with me now: "We don't need no education. We don't need no thought control."

Then there was Barlaam, one seriously deranged dude. A Roman judge, as seemed to be the hobby, was trying to get Barlaam to offer a sacrifice on the pagan alter. All the usual stuff, the rack, a good scourging, had failed and the judge was stumped. Finally he had this idea: If he put a live coal and some incense on Barlaam's hand and put his hand over the alter, when Barlaam dropped the coal and incense, it would land on the alter and be a sacrifice. Barlaam let his hand burn through. DAMN! I guess he made his point.

And finally, Agetha, martyred in 251. Agetha was this sweet kid who caught the eye of the local power, a creep named Quintianus. He made a play but she shut him down cold, being virtuous and all that. Pissed, he had her taken to a whore house for a month to see if that would soften her up. When that didn't do it, he tried jail. She kept on with the "chastity and virginity" bit and Quintianus, in a fit of lust, ordered her stretched on the rack. (I guess he was into limber women.) Along with the rack came a full supply of whips, iron hooks and torches to the sides. (I guess he was also into scarred women who smelled like burnt brautwurst.) Still vexed, he ordered that her breasts be tortured and then cut off. (What was this guy into?) It was too late for either of them to stop now. This time the "girl seducing" plan was to roll her in a mix of hot coals and potsherds. Her response was ingenious. She died.

It seems like their ought to be a moral to all this but all I can think of is this: "Never hang around with a guy who likes to burn girls' boobs off. It's a waste of good boobage."

Now get out there and write.

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