The Smirking Jerk (Blake's POV)

Chapter 82

Okay, so I don't usually do this, but I think I need to do it for this chapter. This chapter... is heavy. And it might be triggering for some of you. So, if you struggle with really dark thoughts, and reading about someone spiral could be hurtful for you, I suggest you skip this chapter.

And I also want to reiterate that this is a specifically bad moment for Blake, but he does get better. So, everything will be okay. Okay? <3 We'll all be fine.

Chapter 82

I ran.

I ran with the only thought in my head that if I kept running, I wouldn't have to think and if I didn't have to think I wouldn't have to realize what was actually happening and I could postpone actually realizing that...

Running. Just running. No thinking.

My heart was pounding in my temples and I had a hard time seeing in front of me because my eyes were filled with tears.

My feet were hurting and my legs were hurting and my chest was hurting and I looked around long enough to realized I'd run all the way to Josh's place.

I didn't have asthma so why did it feel like I couldn't breathe?

I was taking shallow breaths and it didn't seem to be enough, and I was walking into Josh's building going up the stairs and fighting the sobs caught in my throat.

Oh god.

She hated me.

We were done. Before we even begun it was over.

She hated me because everyone hated me, because I wasn't a good person. No one wanted me. No one needed me. I was useless and disgusting and pathetic and who was I to think anyone could ever love such a pitiful guy as me?

I should just die. I should just die already and be done with it. What was the point anyway? I hurt everyone around me. Everyone would be so much better off without me.

I'd known this. I'd always known this. I'd just deluded myself for a moment that it wasn't true.

I should have thrown myself in front of a car.

What was the point of even still being alive? What did I even have to look forward to?

"Blake? Blake, what's going on? What's wrong?" I heard Josh's voice, but I was crying and there was ringing in my ears and I couldn't breathe.

I didn't know how to breathe anymore, and I was sitting on the floor and I wanted to die, and I wanted it to stop and I wanted to breathe, but I couldn't.

"Where are your shoes?" Josh's voice again. Panic in it. "Blake, did you run all the way here?"

"I can't... I can't breathe..." I uttered between gasps, tears falling on my face.

"Jesus... you're okay, you're okay, I'm here Blake, we're okay," Josh was repeating, a hand on my back.

"I'm not okay. I'm really not okay. I want to die. Just make it stop. I can't breathe," I sobbed.

"I'm here, what do you need Blake?"

"I need to die. I need it to stop," I gasped.

"Blake, I need you here now, and not in whatever bad place you are in your head."

I wanted to say that I hated myself and everything, but I couldn't because I was just gasping and fighting for my breath. Nothing made sense and everything was awful and I wanted to punch myself and just hurt myself.