The Smirking Jerk (Blake's POV)

Chapter 83

Chapter 83

I was staring at the ceiling in Josh's guestroom.

            The whole apartment was quiet. Josh had gone to sleep. I should be sleeping too, but I couldn't.

I kept going over the fight with Lexi.

I kept coming up with the right thing I could have said to defuse the situation. I kept trying to imagine a way this could all have been a dream and that Lexi still liked me.

I kept finding new ways of torturing myself.

            Because the truth was, with the way the fight had gone, there was only one plausible explanation.

            Lexi had wanted our relationship to failed. She had assumed it would fail from the beginning and had jumped at the first occasion to be right.

            In her head, we never would have made it.

            It made sense.

            Lexi had never actually wanted a relationship with me.

            From the beginning, every time we'd had an argument, it had always been from Lexi snapping at me, assuming the worst of me. She'd always been the one misjudging me and being mad at me.

            I'd never been mad at her.

            I'd never wanted anything but her.

            But that hadn't counted for anything.

            And now my breaths were getting shallow again, my vision getting blurry, and a heavy pain was settling in my chest and I tried to calm down, tried to ignore the nausea and the lump in my throat. I sat up in bed, bringing my knees to my face, tried to calm down, tried to fix my attention on tangible things around me, but I just ended up rushing to the bathroom and puking my guts out while hyperventilating, but also trying not to make too much noise so Josh wouldn't wake up and worry.

            I was crying on the bathroom floor, staring at a ceiling again.

            I didn't want to kill myself, but I didn't want to live either.

            I didn't want to be here and have to think and have to hate myself and have to be miserable all the time.

            How did people do it? How were people happy all the time?

            When I finally managed to go back to my room, I had a headache.

            One of the bad ones.

            I'd drain so much of my energy, it made sense for my brain to decide to make me suffer even more.

            I didn't fall asleep again.

            Every single sound around Josh's apartment irritated me. Miss Puss walking around. Cars passing by outside. Walls cracking.

            Even just the sound of me moving on the bed made my head hurt more.

            I spent the day suffering in Josh's apartment. I faked it. I knew Josh knew I was in pain.

            But this was all I could do to not... I had no idea what I wanted to do... but it was nothing good honestly.

            Josh put on a Thai drama, Manee Yard Fah. There was a kidnapped princess on an island and a soldier. I got parts of it, but I didn't really care. Josh seemed riveted.