I Envy You

01 ¦ Weird

Rhysand's Point of View

It could have been better if I only had the power to know what will going to happen in the future. Demand only things that will make me happy. Choosing the person I foresee who will not leave me. Who will not cheat on me? But I guess the universe was made with a balanced nature. People don't have the power nor the ability to know those who will only stay. But we only have the right to choose those people we want to be with. And the rest of the days will be unknown.

Natawa ako sa naisip kong 'yon. Right. People can't be with someone, forever. We are created with no power. But deciding in the first place is like choosing to live or die. Even if things were planned accordingly, you still have to expect more failures that break people until they can no longer breathe from those decisions they never thought would just ruin their whole lives. And that's the worst part of living. We live to face challenges. We live to die.

Inubos ko ang naiwan na kape sa aking baso bago tuluyang lumabas ng convenience store. I'm back with this country. It feels like home again but I still lack something. A company. Not that I want to be with someone. Pero wala rin akong matawag na pamilya dito. Tumingin ako sa pambisig kong orasan. Nawala na lang doon ang atensyon ko nang mag vibrate ang aking phone.

My forehead knelt. Someone's calling me again from my messenger. From the same contact. From the same person. This person has been calling me a lot of times in a week. Kabisado ko na halos ang buong pangalan nito dahil sa gabi-gabi nitong pag tawag. I heave a sigh and just waited for it to end. Hindi ko sinagot alinman sa tawag niya.

Jeacela Eunice Elveña.

I didn't know her. Or do I? Hindi ko lang maalala.

I shake my head in contrast and left that place. I don't know where to go next. Gusto kong mag liwaliw. Punong puno ang isip ko ng nakaraan na ayaw kong balikan. Pero bandang huli ay nagdesisyon lang din akong umuwi.

I never wish to meet new people but It doesn't mean I'm closing myself from someone for that. I can entertain one or two but in a certain way. School days will start in a few days. Napangisi ako roon. Mabuti at magkakaroon na ako ng iisipin sa araw-araw. Though of course this girl who's been calling me might be included in the list.

I went back to my small dorm. Hindi iyon ganon kalakihan, tama lang para sa mga naiuwi kong gamit. The most important part of a dorm anyway for me is my table. I want it neat and organize. Katabi lang nito ang higaan na tama lang size para sa akin. My table is facing the window na siyang tinatamaan ng alindog ng buwan. It's good to see the view in it. Paborito ko sa lahat ang part na 'yon.

Para akong pagod na naupo agad sa may paanan ng kama. I check my phone to see if there are some notifications from our University Facebook page. Karamihan ay patungkol sa mga important applications and information. Tanging hinanap ko lang naman ay tungkol sa course ko. I guess there's none.

I cook food for myself after. It seems like forever has begun for me to be this way. Pero hindi tulad ng mga common reasons: for love towards your partner. It's not. It's forever now for me. I need to build myself again.

Natigl ako sa ginagawa nang maisip 'yon. I know I've been messed up. Hindi lang sa sarili ko. I'm not yet sure how to start a normal life again. But I want to focus on studying for now. I keep my life on track this time. Meet new friends I guess and be there when needed. Ganon ba? Baka ganoon nga.

Sa kahabaan ng mesang 'yon ay nakahain ang simpleng pagkain na siyang mag isa kong kinain. Sa malamig na gabi ay ang yakap ng hangin ang nagsilbing kumot ko na sinanay ang katawan at pagkatao sa ganoong sitwasyong meron ako ngayon.