waves~ || skz Jeongin

monsters~

It wasn't that unusual for me to feel weird about certain stuff on certain days.

When Felix came out as nonbinary eleven years ago, I kind of started to observe myself a little more closely.

I did notice something weird here and there, on some days, on others not.

I was confused.

I asked Felix for help.

They tried to help me.

But I wasn't ready for their help back then, I think. I'm still not.

I tried to explore my feelings the way Felix did. But I got overwhelmed way to fast.

Our fame grew.

I accidentally read some of the queerphobic hate comments Felix got daily.

I resumed it was safer to retire into my shell.

You know, to stand in public light and explore your own identity, our own ... otherness, that demands an insane amount of stamina and character strength and courage.

Felix had that.

I didn't.

So I stopped thinking about it.

Felix tried to reach me time after time, but after a while they understood they weren't getting anywhere and left me alone.

I was happy.

In my subconsciousness I knew there was something waiting for me, something big, like a pitch black monster with long tentacles and red eyes, sitting in a corner, waiting for me to let loose its chains just a moment too long.

But I could work well around that.

We grew even more famous, until suddenly we weren't anymore, then we disbanded.

I fled the city.

I thought, back then, maybe in the quiet of a small village in nowhere, where no one knew my face, maybe there I could finally let that monster out and see how it works, how I could handle, tame it.

Then Jihye came along.

And I forgot about all that, all my plans.

Because I fell in love with her.

I was so incredibly happy.

I fell in love with a girl. I was normal.

I deliberately ignored that sometimes when looking at her I wouldn't think about how beautiful she was or how kissing her would feel, but about how her fluffy hair or plump lips would look on me.

I sort of gaslighted myself into thinking that that was normal.

That every other cis guy would sometimes stare a little too envious at his girlfriend putting on dresses or skirts - or makeup.

Nothing unusual to find here.

Then Harin uprooted our lives and I had suddenly way more important things to do than worry about skirts and makeup.

She came just at the perfect moment.

I shouldn't call my daughter a perfect distraction, but somehow she was exactly that. I guess she saved me.

I forbid myself to further investigate my feelings.

To even feel them.

I buried all that, all weird thoughts, ideas, feelings so deep in myself that I thought I'd never see them again.

Which worked for quite a while.

Until that day when Felix told me they always thought I was genderqueer.

Which, given our past, shouldn't be a surprise.

However, the monster in me was suddenly wide awake.

And I couldn't sleep that night.

My head wouldn't shut up.

All these thoughts, feelings that I took as being safely buried were suddenly back - all at once.

It felt like they needed to make up for their lost time.

I saw Jihye's long hair, Felix's tailored jumpsuit, the curvy figure of Chan's wife Younhee, Jihye again in her favourite light yellow dress, her high heels, my own painted fingernails.

My own nails. Painted. Blue.

Yeah, right, I forgot Harin did that today.

Before I knew, I stood up, went to the kitchen. Restlessly.

I needed to do something. I just wanted my mind to shut up.

I didn't want to cry, that seemed like an overreaction, but tears swelled in my eyes nonetheless.

I picked out a nail file from a glass filled with pens and stuff.

Frantically, I started to scrape the blue polish off my nails.

It hurt a little and I clearly destroyed my nails in the process but I couldn't care less.

It felt good to do something, to regain a little bit of power over this feeling, this huge monster that was slowly yet constantly spinning out of my control.

I imagined to get a little more rid of these girlie feelings by each scrape.

It worked.

After some time, my nails were clean again.

I closed my eyes, took a shuddering breath.

A tear fell from my lashes. I felt it cold on the back of my hand.

I lied.

It didn't work at all.

I still felt like shit, my mind screaming at me.

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