waves~ || skz Jeongin

fluid~

It was a second they needed to comprehend, a second both of us were frozen.

Then there was a small shift in Felix's posture, a small shocked breath leaving their lips - parting them.

Allowing me to kiss deeper.

Then we broke apart.

It was both of us realizing what we're doing at the same time, pulling back at the same time.

My heart hammered in my ears.

We stared at each other.

Their mouth closed and opened several times as if they were searching for words that simply weren't there.

I couldn't blame them, because honestly, same.

It was another minute before I brought out, 'I- I'm sorry'

'It's okay'

Their voice was a tiny bit shaky.

'It's not, it's really not, I don't know why I did this-'

'Hey'

Felix hesitantly put their hands back on my shoulders.

'Breathe'

I did. Painfully.

Felix's face was flushed, and I could see how they carefully packed their emotions away to deal with later. It worked, a few seconds later there was nothing displayed on their face except gentle care and worry.

I swallowed, tried to do the same.

Just to come up empty handed.

All the wild tangle of emotions I just felt had shattered around me into a thousand sharp pieces, leaving me empty and bleeding from countless cuts.

No feelings anymore.

Just void.

'I-', I swallowed through the lump in my throat, 'I don't think I can exist. Like this' - I weakly gestured to myself, to what I was wearing - 'Felix, I don't think I can do it-'

They were there to catch me, to take me into their arms when I collapsed, helpless sobs shaking the both of us.

I was thankful that right then they didn't say anything because I wouldn't have been able to listen.

I didn't know anything anymore. I didn't know what to do with all those feelings - even moreso now that they were gone.

I didn't know what to do with myself.

So I just clung to Felix holding on as desperately as to my life.

They held me, let me cry and gave me time to try to find myself somewhere in this mess.

At some point we must have turned a little because as I looked up I was suddenly staring at myself in Felix's mirror.

My eyes were red from the crying, my face swollen.

I didn't flinch away from my reflection.

Felix had noticed me going still and cautiously stepped away a few inches, granting me more view of my reflection.

I managed a shaky breath.

The top I wore was a rich blue colour and - way prettier than I imagined.

It hugged my body, not too close, not too stiff, just like it was flowing down from my shoulders.

I couldn't recognize myself.

I couldn't look away either.

I stared at my reflection and saw everything everyone else saw in me.