The Mind Man

Chapter thirty three

The day started off badly for Colin Smirch. He discovered upon reaching his workplace that Nagihan had tendered a sudden resignation the evening before. The reason for her departure was unclear. He quickly went to his work station and fired off an email to her requesting an explanation. In the email he clearly stated that he wanted to be with her and if she was in any kind of trouble he would come to her immediately to offer comfort. The email that came back later in the morning was nothing he could have anticipated and left him shocked and puzzled.

"Hello Colin, great to hear from you. 

I am on my way back to Kurdistan with my parents. There is growing optimism in our cause and they want to be part of this new phase in the revolution. Our relatives living in Northern Iraq requested that we return to be part of this new development. I will be staying in Dohuk for a while before moving up into the mountains. My parents are very excited that their dream may now come true. 

Thank you for your contribution. 

Take care Nagihan."

Colin read the email with absolute disbelief before composing a quick but carefully thought out reply. He told her that he was going to come to Dohuk to be with her and be part of the revolution as well. He indicated that he felt as much part of their ethnic struggle as she did. He promised to be at her side through it all for as long as it took and they would witness history together. It was the only cause he truly believed in and he wanted to do what he could to help. With mixed emotions flooding through him he continued typing rapidly offering to quit his job at a moment's notice and informing that he would bring all of his considerable savings with him. He went to hit the send button but something made him pause for a moment's thought. He reread the final sentence and decided to delete the latter part regarding the money. He decided he wanted her invitation to be made without its seedy influence. He would take it with him anyhow and surprise her. 

For the remainder of the day he continually checked his emails but apart from the usual daily flow nothing came back from Nagihan. He found it impossible to focus on his work. He figured she must be in transit. 

By mid-afternoon he decided to leave work early and head home. He needed the solitude of his bedroom to mentally digest the news from the morning and to think things through. 

The mindless ride home on the Underground allowed him the pleasure to dream of a faraway life in the mountains of Northern Iraq with the sweet young girl he had gotten to know so well at the agency. He dreamed of villages nestled in deep gorges beside raging streams overshadowed by towering peaks; he dreamed of little herds of goats and sheep, of mountain people, of scorching summer days and deep winter snows. He saw bands of hardened fighting men looking splendid in their Kurdish dress and sporting Kalashnikovs and small brown faced children playing along the earthen paths. They would welcome him into their fold as a hero, a savior; the architect of the plan to grant them freedom from oppressive states. And accompanying him always would be the elegant, graceful and poetic figure of Nagihan, ever respectful, ever admiring and ever adoring. 

He soon walked the short distance from the Holland Park Tube station to his parents' home and once inside he raced up to his bedroom to log on and look for a new email in his inbox. There was nothing. 

He sat and waited patiently staring at the screen. He wanted to begin making plans and prepare for his travel. To pass the time he opened Nagihan's previous email and reread it until he had memorized every word. He searched for hidden meanings and messages of affection within the lines of text. Colin interpreted from the words a rushed departure at her parents' bidding and that due to the haste she had not been able to contact him to discuss future plans. She would therefore welcome his offer of passage to Iraq with glee and her email hinted that she was spending enough time in Dohuk to allow him to make the necessary arrangements to join her before their departure for the mountains. 

Suddenly all the items in his inbox dropped down allowing a new email to appear in the top row. The sender was 'nagihan.m@gmail.com'. The title revealed nothing new only a return of his words 'where are you???' from his initial morning correspondence. He froze for a moment unable to open it. He was comfortable with his dreams. 

Finally he did.

"Hi Colin, 

No need to come. We will be very busy with family and friends over the next few days. 

Say hi to everyone in the office. I miss them already. 

Take care. N"

The contents struck Colin like a sledgehammer to the stomach. The finality and detachment of the email was unmistakable. The words carefully selected and crafted to express friendliness and politeness but also to prevent anything from being read into the message. He wanted to be sick. He read it again and his eyes blurred with rage and anger. He savagely deleted the item and her previous email too. He deleted every email he had ever gotten from her. Hatred rose in him like water filling a bucket; hatred for this girl who had betrayed him and his emotions. It was he that had shown her the article from the newspaper and he who had spent hours convincing her of its massive potential and it was he who had sent the fax to her relative up in the mountains. He deserved to be a part of this next stage of the fight not shut out like some unwanted dog on a cold night. He felt like he had the right to be with her. 

The hatred gradually subsided and was replaced by rejection and intense loss. It felt like someone had reached into his chest and ripped out his heart. He couldn't understand why it was still beating. It was shattered. He wished it would stop and put an end to his misery once and for all. Suddenly, he surprised himself by beginning to sob but tears didn't come. He wanted to cry and he tried to cry. He wanted all his grief and anguish to flow out of him on a river of tears but his body wouldn't cooperate. His face fell on his arms across the keyboard. His life was a failure and on top of this he couldn't even cry. 

After a period of time, the length of which he was unable and unwilling to determine, he composed himself sufficiently to return to his keyboard. He methodically logged into all his blogging and social networking sites and left a simple post.

"Everything I've written on this site is a lie, all the pictures are a lie, all my thoughts are a lie, everything I claimed to have done and everything I claimed to be is a lie. My life is a lie."

Once he had finished he turned off his computer and lay on his bed in darkness, but sleep eluded him the rest of the night.