No Ordinary Love - G.Callen NCIS L.A

Chapter 34

Deja stepped into the house. She sniffed, cleared her throat and went on into the kitchen, busying herself with the kettle. Then she stopped and stared outside. Grisha quietly closed the front door behind him. Shrugging out of his suit jacket, he dropped his keys in the bowl.

It had been a few days since Indulge had been blown up. They had buried Lindy earlier that morning and she'd been awfully quiet. He knew it bothered her. It bothered her that his job had come so close. And it bothered her that she couldn't tell anyone about the real reason the café was no longer there. She couldn't tell Ted that it had been his fault for not paying more attention to the things around him; she couldn't say to anyone that the reason she'd lost her best friend and her café, was because he hadn't been able to protect her.

Grisha watched her. Her shoulders were set, as they had been since they'd left the boatshed. He'd figured he should give her a bit of time; give her a moment to process everything that had happened. It was easy to see it overwhelmed her, but he didn't want to push.

To be honest, he was terrified of what she would say when she finally would start to talk. He didn't want to lose her, and despite her promise that she would never go because of his job, something in the back of his mind told him that he'd come close. He also realized that he would never make her keep her promise; she either wanted to stay and face it, face him, going to work every morning, or she didn't. And he couldn't blame her if she decided she couldn't do it. His heart would be broken beyond repair, but he wouldn't make her stay.

He loosened his tie and joined her in the kitchen. He desperately wanted to touch her, but she'd avoided him and he didn't want to see her flinch. So he sat down in an empty chair. Wordlessly, Deja prepared tea and handed him a cup. Then she turned back to the window.

The tension got thicker by the minute, and if she hadn't started talking, he would have. "Jay is going to be fine," she softly said.

"That's good news."

She nodded. "It is."

Silence stretched out like a blanket that was trying to suffocate him. He wanted this to end. He wanted to know if she was going to stay or if she was going to go. These past few days had been hell. She'd withdrawn into a place he couldn't seem to reach her, no matter what he did. And he hated it that he couldn't. He absolutely hated it. This was the person who'd taught him to talk, to open up, and that he felt he couldn't do that with her now, bothered him to no extent. He despised it.

Dee took a deep breath. "The insurance company called this morning. They're coming to look at the damage on Wednesday."

"That is quick. You want me to come with?"

"No, I'll be fine." She sipped her tea. After another moment, she started again. "It's not entirely your fault, you know."

He looked up. "Maybe not entirely. But most of it is." Oh, how he blamed himself for hurting her like this. No matter what, he'd make it up to her, even if it killed him.

Dee turned around. "Why do you say that?"

"Because I couldn't keep you safe." He swallowed. "I put myself in harms way every day because it makes the world a better place, and to protect you. And I can't even do that." His nostrils flared. "I can't even protect you because I don't pay enough attention to the things around us with you." The breath he took shuddered and his voice caught, releasing all pend up emotion. "Because when I'm with you, all I see is you. I don't pay enough attention to the rest. And you got hurt because I didn't."

He saw she was trying to fight tears. "I don't want to blame you..."

"You should."

"... because I know that it's not entirely your fault. Keira tried to protect us, far as she could and you kept me safe." She paused, trying to think of words that weren't going to hurt him. Finding none, she continued. "I don't want to blame you. I know you blame yourself, and I don't want to add any more guilt on that pile. I really don't. But every time I look at you, all I see is what I've lost..." She choked on her tears, but powered through. "I love you. God knows I love you. I just don't know how to like you now."

He didn't know how to like himself, either. And that left them in a rut. It left them with guilt being dished out in a place where it didn't need to be. Silently, he nodded. "I don't like myself either, Dee. And I would understand it if this is all too much. It's not supposed to come so close. It's supposed to stay at a distance, somewhere where you know it's present but it can't hurt you." He lifted his eyes to hers. "I'm not going to keep you to your promise if you want to leave."

She opened her mouth to protest, but instead of words, there were more tears. "Don't say that..."

"I mean it." He rose and walked over to where she was standing, putting his cup on the counter. "I'm not going to keep you to it. And I don't care that it'll break my heart, because the only thing I want for you is to be happy. And if I can't make you happy, I have to let you go."

"It's not you that has me unhappy. It's this crazy situation that does."

"It's a situation that I put you in."

"That is not true."

"Isn't it?"

She was crying now. "It's not. I choose to believe it's not. But some voice in the back of my mind keeps saying that if I hadn't met you, hadn't fallen in love with you, none of this would've happened. But that goes for so many other things too. If I hadn't met you, we wouldn't have this love between us, and we wouldn't be together. And we'd be missing out, because we're good together."

"We are," he whispered. "We're good together."

She nodded. "And I love you, but this is difficult."

"I know." Tentatively, he touched her arm. When she didn't flinch or pulled away, he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. For the first time in a few days, she let herself be hugged. Grisha swallowed hard. "I wish I could make it easier, babe." It stayed quiet again. Then he squared his shoulders. "Tell me to quit."

Her eyes flicked to his, caught off guard. "What?"

"Tell me to quit and I will."

Hesitating, Dee took a deep breath. Then she shook her head. "No."

"I mean it."

The answer didn't change. "No."

"Why? All it's cost you is worry, and stress, and your best friend and your work... It's not fair that you..."

She silenced him with a finger on his lips. "Asking you to give it up wouldn't be fair either. I'll have trust issues, because your job is dangerous on a completely different level than I thought it was. And I'll have to wrap my head around the fact that it may come close; closer than we both would like. But don't stop protecting anyone because I'm scared."

"I'll pay more attention," Grisha said. "I'll pay so much more attention and I'll keep you safe."

"Long as you don't smother me." She smiled, although it didn't reach her eyes. "Will you give me time?"

Eternity, if that was what she needed. "Of course."

More silence. Dee toyed with the buttons on his shirt. "We're going to have to move, don't we?"

He'd thought he'd have more time before telling her that, but apparently, she'd figured it out. "Yes." He hugged her tighter. "It's not something negative per se, you know."

"Isn't it?"

"It'll be the first home we choose together. We can figure out what we want exactly, and make new memories. It'll be a new beginning after everything that has happened last week." He pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. "But let's take this hurdle first, okay? We'll figure out what to do with the house after that." He felt her nod under his chin.

"Okay."

That small word gave him hope. "Okay."