Hues After The Rivalry (Achievers Series #1)

Kabanata 14

Hues After The Rivalry

Kabanata 14

Since the very moment I found out my true self, I've always known deep within that my own family would never accept me. I knew that people will discriminate against me. Hindi lahat, pare-pareho ang pang-unawa ng isang tao kung hindi tulad ng pagkakakilanlan nila ang meron ka, at tingin nila na dapat ay ganoon ka dahil iyon ka.

Because people's gender identity may alter from societal norms or traditional interpretations of religious doctrine. And our family, with firm cultural and religious convictions, views it as morally and spiritually wrong and unacceptable. We will face discrimination and stigmatization from the people, even from within our own families.

I am unacceptable.

I was afraid of society. Alam kong pwedeng maging negatibo ang turing nila sa akin. At naranasan ko nga 'yon. Society's negative attitudes and opinions towards us, non-heteronormative, affected me deeply. Natatakot akong lumabas. Natatakot akong baka malaman nilang nagkakagusto ako sa kauri kong babae. Takot na akong pumasok sa school.

I feared it. Before. I was afraid that my parents would disown me. Natakot ako sa gagawin nila dahil ang nasa isip ko noon, bago ko sabihin sa kanila ang bago kong kasarian, kamumuhian nila ako. Baka pagtawanan o hindi paniwalaan. I was afraid that they will despise me and reject me.

It feels so good... that until now I'm showing my real hues, they are still here. My family, my home, is still here with me. Tinanggap ako ni Mama at Papa. Ng mga kaibigan ko. They still love me. Unconditionally.

Ilang beses ko nang pinagdasal noon na sana matanggap ako ng ibang mga tao at lipunan. Na hindi nila gawing katatawanan ang ganitong mga kasarian at hindi nila tanawin na mali at labag. Pero naisip ko, na hindi lahat ng tao, matatanggap ka. Not everyone will accept an individual's identity. So I stopped praying for their acceptance. I pray for myself instead. I still have direction without their acceptance.

Nagtimpi na lang ako hanggang matapos ang nakakawalang ganang hapunan. Nag-usap-usap ang mga matatanda sa sala pero nilapitan ako ni Mama sa labas.

"Rai, I told you not to intervene!" pagalit pero nag-aalala niyang sabi. "You shouldn't have talked!"

Tinigil ko ang pagduduyan. "Nakakabadtrip, Ma, e. Sorry. Hindi ko na talaga napigilan."

"Rai, anak, alam mo naman, 'diba? We're just protecting you. Your Papa and I will take care of everything. 'Wag ka nang makisali." Masuyo niyang sabi.

Tumango ako at humingang malalim. "Oo, Ma. Sorry po."

Pinoprotektahan lang ako ni Mama at Papa laban sa sarili naming pamilya. They're not ready yet, that's why they're so overprotective of me. Hindi ko alam kung kailan sila magiging handa.

Bumalik si Mama sa loob matapos kong ipanatag ang loob. Mag-isa lang ako sa patio swings habang 'yung apat kong pinsan, nasa loob. I just rocked back and forth while waiting for the elders to finish their visit so I could finally go up to my room. Ayaw kasi ni Lola na nasa kuwarto lang ang mga apo niya habang narito siya.

"Kaya lumalaki ulo ng baklang 'yon kasi kinukunsinti niyo e! I bet you know he's gay!"

Napatayo ako nang marinig ang galit na boses ni Kier.

"Alam ko man o hindi, pinsan pa rin natin siya, Kier!"

Lumapit ako kina Velvei na nagsisigawan. Galing sila sa loob.

"God! I can't believe we have a gay cousin!" Narinig ko rin si Alixiro.

"That's enough. 'Wag na natin pagtalunan 'to. Nagtatalo na ang mga magulang natin sa loob. 'Wag na tayong dumagdag." Awat ni Kobey.